3rd Consecutive Royal Rumble at the Place Where Time Isn’t.

Posted: January 18, 2017 in Uncategorized

The 3rd Consecutive Royal Rumble at the End of The Universe

(Annual does not apply here. Time is an illusion you put on yourself.)

The Rules:

2 Wrestlers enter the ring, one more enters every 60 seconds. They are eliminated when they are thrown over the top rope and both feet hit the concrete floor.


This match takes place at The Restaurant at the End of The Universe, and the winner gets a shot at the Championship of Life, the Universe, and Everything, next Whenever at WrestleMania..

end-of-universe  dontpanic


Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Inside MMA’s Bas Rutten, and Bob Uecher’s character from Major League, Harry Doyal, are manning the microphones. Cheech and Chong are at the Spanish and Chinese announce tables.


Official Theme Song:

“7 Nation Army,” by the White Stripes, performed by 7 military bands from different nations. It’s arranged by Prince.


The first two combatants are:

Number 1, Jake “The Snake” Roberts


The first ever Royal Rumble entrant and WWE Legend walks angrily towards the ring carrying a bag full of snakes. “I can’t believe I’m number god damn one,” he mutters to himself, and slides under the ropes. He’s facing Number 2, Bill Murray

bill murray.jpg

“Oh my god, am I dead?” Murray asks into a microphone. “Am I the first dead celebrity of 2017?” He questions the audience. He’s confused and oddly flattered, he bows graciously entering the ring. “No,” Jake hisses into his own microphone, “That’s not what this is, I’m not dead.” “Well, Not Yet!” Murray says and leaps at Jake Roberts, bashing his head in with the microphone. He pummels Jake into the corner. The Father of In Ring Psychology reels as Murray unloads on him and Number 3: Screen Legend Carrie Fisher enters the ring.


She charges the two men, decked out in Slave Girl Leia attire, there’s just enough extra fabric to be practical, and feminists are cool about it, “Bill, did you die?” she asks, “No,” Bill says, “This isn’t Hell.” “Maybe not for you,” she answers eyeballing the crowd of chubby men with beards.She delivers a crushing Shining Wizard to Jake Roberts. The two movie stars take turns laying boots to The Snake. They deliver a surprising 3-D right as a gong hits and Number 4 Bruce Lee is announced.

bruce lee.jpg

“No Freaking Way!” Bas Rutten does a spit take, Bobby The Brain claims Bruce Lee trained Ricky the Dragon Steamboat. That can’t possibly by true #BrainInTheAss – Harry Doyal just discovered twitter. He loves it. Bruce devastates Dr. Peter Vankman and Slave Leia with kicks and punches, they’re so fast the camera can’t catch them. Number 5 is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Raphael.


Raphael enters the ring determinedly as the Saturday morning cartoon song plays. He eyeballs Bruce Lee and the two exchange assaults but they counter everything the other throws. The other wrestlers attempt to interrupt but are casually put down by the  martial Artists. Nothing happens until Number 6: Big Bird makes his way to the ring. Children in the audience tell him how to get there.


The Sesame Street Fighter walks along the crowd high fiving kids and leaning in for selfies. He steps over the top rope and charges headlong into the fray. While other wrestlers got punched out trying to enter the Dance of The Turtle and Dragon, Big Bird ingratiates himself beautifully. The three go “Crouching Tiger Hidden, Hidden Dragon” for awhile. “This is crazy! #DragonandPhoenixandTurtle” tweets Harry Doyal. He already has more followers than any of us ever will. His next tweet is just “WHAT A RUSH!!!” Number 7: The Legion of Doom stroll to the ring. .


Hawk and Animal enter as one combatant, because they’re a team, probably the greatest tag team of all time. They enter and level opponents left and right. They demolish Bill Murray. Animal grabs Raphael and chokes the mutant. “You should have brought your friends little buddy.” he yells. “You should have brought Ninja weapons,” says the Turtle and pulls two Sais from his belt. He drives them into The Road Warrior’s chest, killing the man. He pushes the corpse over the top rope. Hawk has no time to grieve as Carrie Fisher catches him in a Bulldog and smashes his head to the mat. Number 8 is 26th President of the United States, Teddy Roosevelt.


The Rough Rider charges in to the sound of trumpets and locks Big Bird in a Bearhug. He transitions to a Belly to Belly Suplex, slams the bird to the ground and charges at the Ninja Turtle. He upends him with a Shoulder Block and stomps a mudhole in the Turtle. He picks him up and  throws Raphael over the top rope. “I’ve hunted all mater of beast,” yells Teddy. “You’re fifth toughest.” he bellows and turns back to the Bird. Number 9 is former Intergender Wrestling Champion Andy Kaufman


The funniest or least funny man in the world jumps over the top rope and makes a beeline for Carrie Fisher, who’s catching her breath in a corner. He Suplexes The Screen Doctor and goes to toss her over, but she blocks it, and catches him in a Hurricanrana that sends the man to the moon. Kaufman is eliminated. He’s outraged. “What Is This” he storms around ringside, flipping over the cameras and knocking things off the desks. “This was Not according to Script!” he smacks away a referee.  “And this stuff IS SCRIPTED!” He continues. “This is all rigged, it’s a show, it’s not even a show!” He spins around wild-eyed, pointing at the crowd. “It’s a Garbage blog by a Garbage Nobody picking characters from posters he had on his wall!” He throws a handful of notes at the people in the crowd. “This is nothing, and he’s nothing, and YOU’RE Nothing!” He spins around and points to Carrie Fisher, “And You’re DOUBLE NOTHING! You’re not fit to wash my tights lady!” He yells. “I was SUPPOSED to win this! That, that was in the script, and you ruined it, and I’ll Sue you!” He screams.

“Go ahead and sue me you loser!” She yells back at Kaufman. “That’s what soft little assholes do!”

“Hey” Yells Han Solo from the crowd.

“Nice Tits!” Yells Steve Martin.

Carrie Fisher winks and flips them the double bird before hitting a stunning Shooting Star Press on her standing opponents. Steve sits down and politely applauds her incredible skills. Number 10 is The Uncrowned Comedians’ Champion: Bill HIcks.


He comes to the ring smoking and wearing an Undertaker hat and trenchcoat. It looks kind of dumb. He doesn’t let that slow him down as he flicks a cigarette into Teddy Roosevelt’s eyes and hits Bill Murray with a Chokeslam. He then grabs the mic and cuts down the establishment with 55 seconds so funny and cutting it makes all the people who hear it consider mortality for a moment and decide to be better. President Trump, watching in the interest of his appointee Linda McMahon, is touched, and for the first time in his life really gets it. His hands grow three sizes, and he leads better than anyone expected and better than even he claimed he would. A Steam Whistle hits and it’s Number 11: Mark Twain.


America’s Greatest Author struts to the ring and boots Bill Hicks in the the face. He smashes his head into the turnbuckle and tosses the comedian to the ground. “My goodness,” he smiles. “Hell’s own Valhalla. “That’s not was this is,” says Bill Murray, “I’m not dead.” he explains. “Not yet,” laughs Twain. Murray turns to Fisher and tries to brag, “Oh my god, I made the same joke as Mark Tw-” but he gets blasted with a Forearm, Twain tosses him to the middle of the ring,then hits the Celebrated Jumping Frogpress of Calaveras County from the turnbuckle. It shatters Murray in half and Jake Roberts scoops up what’s left and tosses it over the ropes. “I’m the funniest, meanest, strappingest-assed snake you’re ever going to get to know.” yells Twain strutting. Jake Roberts spits in his eye and traps him in a crossface as the song “Jungle Boogie” hits, and Number 12: Jules and Vincent, from Pulp Fiction walk together.


They’re also entered as a team. “Terrific Dancers, Better Killers.” says Bobby the Brain. “I don’t think they should have guns,” says Bas. Harry Doyal calls him a communist. “I’m just saying we should have shotguns,” Vincent complains. “We do have shotguns,” points out Jules, holding his up. “Well we should have bigger shotguns.” “Motherfucker? How big you want a shotgun? You want to have cannons and shit?” “For this? For this I want tanks.” says Vincent. The two men enter the ring and clear house with their shotguns.  Hawk, Bruce Lee, Teddy Roosevelt, Carrie Fisher and Big Bird slide out of the ring. Jake Roberts stays locked onto Twain. Jules is a student of American literature and loses it at seeing a hero so disrespected, “I WANT THAT MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE OFF THAT MOTHER FUCKING TWAIN!”  he screams and shoots Jake Roberts in the shoulder. Jake screams and reels to the side, Twain rolls out of the ring. Vincent and Jules patrol the ring as Lemmy’s distinctive grooves herald Number 13: Triple H.


The 14 time champion sprays mist into the air and walks past Lemmy, who’s performing live.  The ring is nearly empty. HHH stalks outside, eyeballing Vincent and Jules. The lights go out and seconds later come back on: the ring is full of independent wrestlers, they’re all willing to kill themselves to impress The Game. They throw themselves away as Vincent and Jules empty their very large shotguns. The Cerebral Assassin and the the others slide into the ring, there are 8 men, 1 woman, and one giant bird. Phyllis from The Office yells, “Use your dance moves!” but everybody looks at her like she’s an idiot. Number 14 is M.C. Hammer


He Hammer dances to the ring and Vincent and Jules drop their guns. He punches Vincent 3 times in the face and knocks Jules down with the fourth. Vincent tries to fight back, but Hammer pours it on. “Please Hammer!, Don’t hurt him!” someone screams from the audience. But he does. It’s Hammer, Go Hammer, M.C. Hammer, Yo Hammer, but then Triple H upends him by the ankles and starts spinning him around. Triple H smashes Hammer into Bruce Lee’s head. Bruce staggers around dazed until Big Bird swoops in and knocks him over the top rope. Number 15 is 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln


The lanky lawyer charges the ring Ultimate Warrior Style, and is wearing Ultimate Warrior face paint. He screams “These Assassins Will Not Stand!” before leaping over the ropes and Clotheslining Vincent and Jules. He ducks M.C. Hammer being swung from Triple H and then drops him with a classic Double Leg Takedown, the centrifugal force throws Hammer out of the ring. Simultaneously, Teddy Roosevelt has Road Warrior Hawk passing out from a Camel Clutch. He drops Hawk to the mat and turns to face Honest Abe. “I’ve been wondering if  could kick your ass my whole life!” yells Teddy. He tears off his shirt and charges Lincoln. “Well guess what Fat Boy… You Can’t!” Lincoln answers. He pounces at his attacker. The two collide in a whirlwind of violence, before Lincoln locks on his Railsplitter. Roosevelt screams in agony, but there are no submissions in The Royal Rumble. Big Bird breaks it up with a boot meant to send Lincoln over the ropes, but it fails. Lincoln recovers and hits Big Bird with the Emancipation Droplimation (a modified neckbreaker designed to end a war.) Big Bird is mangled and unconscious in the middle of the ring next to Jake Roberts, who might have bled out. Number 16 is Cactus Jack

Cactus Jack.jpg 

He jogs to the ring and wraps a chair around Mark Twain’s brain. He then bends another over Triple H and pulls out a bag of tacks he drops Teddy Roosevelt in. Roosevelt rolls around in agony before sliding out of the ring. Jack sets his sights on Lincoln and the two lock up. Teddy rises from the floor quietly with an extra large Kendo Stick. “Hey boys,” he speaks quietly, and unloads on Honest Abe and Cactus Jack. He cracks Cactus repeatedly and knocks him over the top rope.  As a President smashes a President,  the Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment walks to the ring. Number 17: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

The Rock.jpg

The Rock walks in and the fans go crazy. Bobby the Brain claims he introduced his parents. Bas asks, “To each other?” The Brain says “to a lot of things.” It’s implied pretty heavily that Rocky Johnson used to swing. Rocky takes to the ring and slap punches everybody to the ground. He lays into Lincoln extra hard and it’s funny. He RockBottoms Carrie Fisher and hits a People’s Elbow on her, then Triple H, then Jake Roberts. There’s so much electricity in the air by now everybody in the crowd’s hair is standing on end. He and Big Bird double clothesline Mark Twain to the floor. They pose together for a moment and the crowd goes nuts. They pop even louder when the two start slugging it out. Number 18 is NBA All-Star, Larry Johnson. He’s dressed up as “Grandmama”


A lot of confused white people mistake him for Medea and boo for no reason. The Charlotte Hornet kicks ass when he hits the ring. He Dropkicks The Rock and then surprises everybody with a Full Nelson Slam. He points to camera and yells “Tell Karl Malone I’d Kill Him!” before moving on and Powerslamming Vincent Vega to the mat and throwing Jules outside. As the clock for the next entrant counts down he climbs the ringpost. “It’s stupid how many people climb the ropes!” Cleveland Fan Harry Doyal points out. “You’re Stupid!” Yells Bobby The Brain. Larry Johnson leaps for a slam-dunk themed elbow drop when Randy Orton appears out of nowhere and hits him with an RKO. He’s number 19 and he literally teleported in from nowhere.

 WrestleMania XXVII

The RKO to Larry Johnson destroys the hoopster, Randy Orton then pops in and out of existence cuttinng down Carrie Fisher, The Rock. Vincent and Teddy Roosevelt. He teleports in and hits a cameraman from neat angles just to show off. A loose camera cuts to Marvel Comic’s Deadpool sitting in a VIP seat, eating a chimichanga that’s bigger than a toddler. Former teleporter enthusiast Deadpool looks incredibly pleased with himself. “What? It was a good trade?” He argues to himself. “Plus I like the internet stuff, the GIFs.… I think they’re funny.” he mumbles into his burrito. Randy Orton Punts Jake Roberts’ skull out of meanness when Triple H catches him from behind with a sledgehammer. Number 20 is Film and Television Megastar Kathy Bates


She slides into the ring and smashes Triple H with her own sledgehammer, then crushes everybody else in their heads with it; she cracks Big Bird and Abe Lincoln who fall to the mat, then sends No. 2 Larry Johnson to the floor with a brutal shot to the chin. She stands over Triple H and shatters both of his ankles. “I’m a big fan,” she coos with fake sweetness. Triple H lays crippled next to the out of commission Jake Roberts. Kathy Bates dashes from corner to corner delivering Body Avalanches to the piles of competitors. 11 wrestlers are in the ring. Number 21 is Chesley “Sully” Sullenberg, hero pilot of flight 1549.


The action slows as the Hudson Miracle enters the ring. “There, there’s been a mistake I think,” Sully states in a dignified manner. “I’m really no hero, or warrior, or any such thing; just a person who performed his job on a day that it wasn’t easy to do so. I don’t really belong here, though I do appreciate your inviting me.” The Rock Slaps the grey off of Sully’s mustache. Number 22  is The Crow


The Undead Agent of Vengeance drops from the rafters and lands on Kathy Bates. He throws The Rock over the rope, but The Rock pulls himself back in. The Crow chops down Teddy Roosevelt and hits him with a Draven Death Drop before locking Vincent in a the Corvus Death Lock. People make fun of him for stealing Sting’s moves. Sully Sullenberg has recovered and is Airplane Spinning The Rock, he dumps The Great One out for good. Big Bird charges the pilot, but Sully avoids him, Hawk goes for a spear but The Hudson Miracle leapfrogs Hawk. Then The Crow sprints forward and goes for a Raven Splash, but Sully Drop Toe Holds The Crow, Sully Kips Up and starts engaging with the fans but is knocked over the ropes by Abe Lincoln with an Ax Handle. The Crow gathers himself and boots Big Bird, then no-sells a surprise German Suplex by Abe Lincoln and a Running Knee from Carrie Fisher. He stands up to another Knee from Fisher and Triple H goes for a Pedigree but his broken ankles give out. The Crow backdrops him over the ropes, but HHH pulls himself back in and crawls to the corner. No. 23 is Link, from The Legend of Zelda.


A veteran of fighting games and well noted adventurer, Link zips into action with a roll and plants a bomb that obliterates Randy Orton and Teddy Roosevelt. He peppers the ring with arrows and smashes Kathy Bates with the Big Red Boomerang. Nothing in his arsenal seems to stop the Crow so he freezes him with a wand he found in a cave. Number 24 is Independent Wrestling Sensation Kongo Kong


A Champion with 12 titles in 10 promotions, including XICW Proving Ground, this behemoth fills the rampway with has mass and ferocity. The towering savage’s face is streaked in warpaint, covering it completely except for the whites of his eyes. They gleam wildly. He cups his hands to his mouth and shouts a battle cry. “Fuck. Yes.” yells Teddy Roosevelt and slides under the bottom rope. He runs up the ramp and the two clash head to head on the runway. Kathy Bates and Carry Fisher flank Link and drive him into a corner, until he drives them back with a Spinning Attack. Bates stumbles to the ropes and is pulled out of the ring by a returning Teddy Roosevelt, who’s climbing the ropes to escape the enraged Kongo Kong.  Kongo Kong slides under the ropes and chops Teddy, Link, and Fisher to the mat. He ducks a kick from The Crow and drives him back with a giant shove, then throws Link into the corner and sprints across the ring. He rolls forward in a Tumbleweed that devastates the recovering Link and rattles the arena. Debris falls from the domed ceiling and a solitary crow shrieks out in pain. Eric Draven winces, and Randy Orton notices. Number 25 is Wrestlemania Main Eventer King Kong Bundy.


The Colossal Bald Man lumbers to the ring and clotheslines Road Warrior Hawk. He picks up The Crow and throws Eric Draven into Vincent while stomping Triple H in the back. Bundy then turns and gets knocked to the mat by Kongo Kong. Carrie Fisher starts to choke him out Jabba the Hutt style. Randy Orton activates his teleporter, and catches the single black crow in the balcony. He drops with the crow from the rafters in an RKO. “One for Sorrow!” Screams Harry Doyal who’s clearly been drinking. The Crow squawks and flops around on the mat. Vincent pulls a pistol from his chest holster and shoots the bird. Eric Draven wretches and staggers about. Kongo Kong tosses him over the top rope. King Kong Bundy escapes and attacks Big Bird, until Carrie Fisher hits both with a Bicycle Kick. Not a Pele Kick, but a Lui Kang, Mortal Kombat II, MegaKick. She pumps the furiously and drives King Kong and Big Bird across the ring, she picks up Kongo Kong along the way. Jungle drums play and dozens of people clad in grass skirts and animal skins run out chanting for their God-King, Number 26, King Kong


No variation or take on the name, just King Fucking Kong. The 40 Ton Protector of Skull Island leaps from the outer ridge of the balcony and splatters into the ring. Kongo Kong and King Kong Bundy are smeared against the ring. Big Bird and Fisher made it to safety. Parts of King Kong Bundy land all over the arena. His foot lands feet from the announce table. “Package that up and send it to Kamala.” Quotes Heenan. “How’s no one ever killed you?” Bas asks almost out of respect. The Greatest Great Ape pounds his chest in the middle of the ring. Vincent shoots his gun at the beast but it does nothing. Abe Lincoln charges at King Kong and The Big Monkey casually picks up The President and eats him. Big Bird and Link run circles around King Kong and hit a Double Drop Kick to no effect. The Monster backs up and steps on the lower extremities of Triple H, who shrieks and drags himself to another corner. Teddy Roosevelt lights a cigar and charges the ape. “This is the best day of my life!” he screams and jumps on King Kong’s face, biting his upper lip and clawing at his eyes. King Kong smashes his hand into his face and mangles Teddy against his savage teeth. He gracelessly stuffs the corpse into his maw. Number 27 is Goldberg.


He exhales his smoke and runs to the ring. He immideately Spears King Kong to the outside the ring. All the people inside or attached to King Kong are eliminated with him. As he clatters to the floor King Kong grabs Link and pulls the adventurer out. Jake Roberts, who most assumed dead, grabs Link by the boot and pulls him out of King Kong’s grip. Link fires off his Hook Shot and catches the far corner. He pulls himself to safety. “Thanks!” Link says. “No sweat.” says Jake. “I hate big monkeys.” Link rummages in his satchel and pulls out a jar with a small Fairy zipping around inside. He tosses it to Jake. “What’s that?” Jake asks. “A fairy.” Link giggles. “For like sex stuff?” Jake asks earnestly. “No, It’s to heal you silly.” Link says. Link takes one out for himself and opens the jar. The Fairy flies out in a friendly smile and sprinkles healing fairy dust on Link. Link looks over to Jake, who grinds his fairy up and snorts it. “What!” Link yells, and instinctively slashes two sword strokes at Jake. Link’s at full health, so two Mystic Blasts fly towards Jake. Jake ducks them and pulls down the rope. Link is charging with the Boots of Speed on, so he can’t change direction and topples to the floor. Jake grabs another Jar with a Fairy in it. He looks at Triple H who begs for help.  Jake looks at Triple H, then looks down at the fairy. Then he crumples up the Fairy and sticks it up his nose. He rubs the wing residue on his gums. “Come On!” screams Triple H. Jake tosses Triple H over the top rope. “I’m going to regret that.” Jake thinks to himself. “… I should have smoked that fairy.” Goldberg Spears Big Bird hard to the mat, then Fisher, then Vincent Vega. He turns to Jake and Jake throws a Cobra in his face. “Whoa!” Jake laughs. Jake’s at Full Health now, so his attacks are ranged. He laughs a low and sinister laugh and launches two more Cobras at Goldberg. He pours it on everybody, hurling snakes left and right, until Carrie Fisher hits him with a Muta Mist and Russian Leg Sweeps him to the mat. The arena lights flicker and spotlights circle the crowd before settling in on the rampway, and Number 28 is all five members of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem


The whole House explodes in a spectacle of light and Rock-and-Roll. “How do 5 people count as one entrant!” Bobby Heenan protests. The band slides past the announce team. “It’s the Freebird Rules man,” Floyd Pepper assures The Brain in his ever present/never present manner. “Yeah man, it’s like, tradition.” Janice adds turning her head sideways. “Free! Bird! Free! Bird!” yells Animal. “That’s not a bad idea Animal.” Dr. Teeth says as they take the middle of the ring. Zoot plays his saxophone as the band gets into position. “Hey Everybody here at the Edge of Creation.” Dr. Teeth panders. “Our man Animal’s got a pretty good idea.” “He’s got a lot of good ideas,” Floyd adds, as Animal lets two groupies who have charged the ring stroke his fur. The band plays Lynard Skynard’s “Freebird” as well as it’s ever been done. The clock breaks as the song plays so they can finish. All the clocks everywhere break as the song plays. All clocks break eventually, it’s because of how well that song was played. As they finish, Zoot wraps his saxophone around Goldberg’s head. Janice launches herself knees first at Road Warrior Hawk and Dr. Teeth sinks his chompers into Carrie Fisher’s scalp. Floyd and Animal stomp Jake Roberts violently. Big Bird catches his breath in a corner. Vincent Vega fires two bullets at Animal but the Savage Muppet charges and drops Vincent with a Slingblade. Goldberg latches a tight sleeper onto Floyd Pepper who struggles and loses consciousness. The Restaurant at The End of The Universe goes dark, and burning yellow eyes appear foggily above the ring. They peer ominously. The ropes turn into The Shrieking Eels from The Princess Bride and spiders pour from the turnbuckles. Laughter shakes the walls and spills everyone’s beers, specks of fire and teardrops whip about the air. Number 29 is The Nightmare on Elmstreet, Freddy Krueger


A giant gloved hand raises over one side of the ring, each finger is 30 feet long, and the blades are a hundred. They curve and scrap along the ceiling. Each wrestler collapses and starts shaking, experiencing a private hell. Goldberg finds himself on a tightrope in a circus, and the audience is made up of his parents dressed as clowns.The big man retreats into his mind crying, sinking in his Sleeper Hold on Floyd even deeper. Big Bird watches as his friends back home succumb to the natural order of the food chain. Dr. Teeth’s beloved teeth fall out of his head. Carrie Fisher shakes herself free from the snapping alligators in her head, and assesses the situation. She rolls towards Vincent Vega, and slaps him awake, “Do you have any cocaine,” She asks, “any like, really strong cocaine?” “What?” he answers, faking shocked. “Don’t act like I don’t know where to find cocaine!” she shouts, slapping him again. “I mean, yeah.” he hands her a bag of really good cocaine, but keeps the small bag in his pocket a secret. Carrie rubs the cocaine on the slumbering Pepper. “She’s got to be careful not to get any of that cocaine near Goldberg.” Bas announces from ringside. “He gets a noseful of that marching powder and he might pop Floyd Pepper’s head off.” “She should do that!” Heenan argues. “This is the Rumble!” “Hey You!” Carrie Fisher yells at Janice, who’s half experiencing a hell of working as a bank teller. “Toss me your rig!” Janice throws Fisher her pocket book, “On it sister!” In a moment Carrie cooks up a shot and tosses it to Vincent, “Drive this into his chest!” “God Damn It!” Vincent yells, he slams the needle into Floyd’s chest and shoots the coke straight into his Muppet heart. “Hot Damn!” Floyd sits up in a flash, breaking free of Goldberg. “Who’s got the mediocre cocaine!?!?” The floating face of Freddy Krueger dims and the eels and spiders return to return to reality. The timer hits, and the lights go out for a 3rd time. Bray Wyatt’s music plays, and the audience’s cellphones fill the sky with Fireflies. Above them, behind the face of Freddy Krueger, is Number 30, Bray Wyatt.


“We’re here.” says the giant hovering face of Bray Wyatt and wraps a ghostly arm over Freddy Krueger. Wyatt kisses Krueger’s butned, blistered forehead, and twists him.violently to the mat. They move like a storm cloud, and collapse in a Sister Abigail. The madman bounces and his trademark fedora rolls off. Bray Wyatt trades hats. The Wyatt Family: Eric Rowan, Luke Harper, and Braun Strowman surround the ring. Bray Wyatt waves them off. Janice and Carrie Fisher Double Clothesline Vincent out. “Thanks for like, not being judgy and stuff, that was really cool of you.” Janice says to Carrie. She offers her a hand of friendship. Carrie takes it, and Janice rolls her up in a Bully Choke. Dr. Teeth is happily inspecting his recently recovered teeth, and gets picked up and Gorilla Pressed out of the ring by Goldberg. Animal charges up behind Goldberg and hoists the man up on his shoulders in an electric chair. Hawk perches himself on a nearby turnbuckle and delivers The Doomsday Device. Road Warrior Hawk and Muppet Animal upend Goldberg so hard he bounces off the mat and over the ropes. Hawk roars triumphantly before Animal crosses him and tosses him out as well. Jake Roberts hits Floyd with a short clothesline  that sends him to the floor. Carrie Fisher frees herself from the Bully Choke and picks up Janice in a Powerbomb but both get Speared out by Animal. Zoot takes a swing at Animal with his Sax, but Animal ducks. Freddy Krueger stabs Zoot with his bladed hand. He holds Zoot up like some terrible puppet, moving his body about with his knives. Blood and stuffing bubble up from Zoot’s mouth. Freddy dumps him to the floor. Animal charges Freddy Krueger and Randy Orton catches him in an RKO out of nowhere. In a surprise move, Bray Wyatt grabs Orton and dumps him over the rope. The Wyatt family looks on silently. Jake Roberts hits Big Bird with a Short Clothesline, and sets up the a DDT, but Big Bird backdrops him over the rope. Jake stands on the apron and catches a Sweet Chin Music from Big Bird for his troubles, that sends him to the floor. Freddy Krueger slashes Animal with his razored glove and lops off the Muppets hand. Animal falls to his knees screaming. “Oh My God He’ll Never Drum Again!” Bas cries. “Good!” yells Bobby Heenan. Harry Doyal smashes a bottle over Bobby Heenan’s head. Bray Wyatt grabs Kruger and hits him with another Sister Abigail. He throws The Nightmare From Elm Street over and the top rope. 3 are left. Animal gathers himself and Headbutts Bray, he sets him up for the Doomsday Device from Big Bird, and Big Bird heads to the turnbuckle, but stalls in the corner, and blasts Animal with a Sweet Chin Music. Bray Wyatt Collapses on top of Animal and Big Bird grabs his fallen friend and throws him over. The Wyatt Family steps to the apron and attentively stare at their Patriarch, who drops to his knees with is arms outstretched. Big Bird staggers back and forth exhausted. Bray Wyatt dips his head in submission. “FOLLOW THAT BUZZARD!” Bray screams for all to hear and bows for the Big Yellow Bird. Big Bird rears back in a hideous squawk and grabs Bray by the throat. He hoists him him up over his head and throws him from the ring and through the announce table. The Wyatt Family stands at attention, eyes now on the blood streaked Big Bird who stands with his arms raised in the middle of the ring. Bray Wyatt’s broken laughter erupts from ringside, it is obnoxious, and undeniable. It ripples across ringside and through the crowd. It corrupts all who hear it. It is the laughter of The Wyatt Flock, the laughter of The Buzzard. The Great Big Bird. He has a shot at that Title of Life, The Universe, and Everything. God help us if he wins it.


  1. Jake Reber says:

    Really thought Jake was going the distance

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