Candy Bars Ranked By Science

Posted: May 10, 2016 in Uncategorized

I’m going to rank all the candy bars, and tell you why some are great and some are terrible. I’m not sure my qualifications are adequate, but I’m a fat guy with a good vocabulary. Here’s the list.

15. Hershey’s Chocolate Bar: There, I said it. Old people can quit paying attention.

14. Baby Ruth: this is a bad candy bar. It’s lumpy and gross, and even though it has all of the same ingredients as better candy bars, it somehow messes them up. This candy bar’s named after a fat white baseball player, and is now eaten exclusively by women who look like him. It’s only even on this list because I like the scene where Bill Murray eats a fake turd in Caddy Shack and it’s a Baby Ruth. I like Bill Murray.

13. Mr. Goodbar: Mr. Badbar. This candy bar used to be a doctor until it lost its license for misdiagnosing peanuts as interesting. This would be a lousy offering in a chocolate sampler box, and certainly doesn’t deserve its own wrapper. The bright yellow package only exists to stand out and measure how many days it’s been since Halloween.

12. Payday: Payday’s are unfinished candy bars, and I think I’ve graded them a little better because of it. Payday was expected to be a bigger deal, but the chocolate and other ingredients didn’t arrive on time, and the folks at Payday were too proud to back down. They pushed out an unfinished but reliable product that isn’t good, but has moxie.

11. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: This is too low for most people, and I confess, I don’t love Reese’s cups, but I won’t let my flaws as a grader detract from this fine offering. The peanut butter’s a little sugary, and not enough, but people love this mess, and I’ll acknowledge the simplicity and tact of the snack. I appreciate them acknowledging their low ingredient count, and splitting it in half to showcase the pairing, not the simplicity. Also, if you’re careful you can push out the middles and have a pair of adorable, edible prop glasses.

10. Almond Joy: The flip side of the peanut butter cup. This is a similar concoction I like a little more. Almond Joy’s simple and delicious, but if you’re not a fan of coconut, you’re out of luck. And Mounds? Fuck a Mounds bar! a special order is Not it’s own candy bar and shouldn’t get it’s own wrapper. Only a psychopath would say a Mounds is his or her favorite candy bar.

9: Three Musketeers: This chocolatey confection is tasty and good, but a little lacking in vision. Also, when it was marketed as a low fat candy bar it made me feel like it was a candy bar for girls. Fat girls.

8. Nestle Crunch Bar: This candy bar’s delicious, if a little too simple. It’s just chocolate and puffy rice, but still feels complicated, and I don’t know why, but it’s better than a Crackle. Crunch is “The Sixth Sense” and Crackle’s “Stir of Echoes.” Good luck getting remembered, I already misspelled your name and nobody cared. A Nestle Crunch Bar is fantastic, and proves Nestle doesn’t just belong in cups and mugs.

7. Zero: an often overlooked and delicious candy bar. White fudge (not white chocolate) provides a fun change of pace, and fuels plenty of arguments with hillbilly gourmands. It’s also a dense candy bar. The almond paste is heavy like a brick. You’re not allowed to bring Zero bars to punk shows.

6. KitKat: Good candy bar, kind of preachy. I don’t need told to share. Fuck right off KitKat. How often do I eat candy in groups of four? Rarely, and if I am, chances are I only like one or two of them. Mitch Hedberg complained about your chocolate letter scam, and I’m still not over that. It’s just a lot of attitude from a wafer bar that skimps on chocolate.

5. Whatchamacallit: Damn fine candy bar that tries too hard. The peanut butter caramel pairing always looks slutty, even in an ice cream, but this treat holds both back a bit, and lets you wonder if both are present. They are, but it’s subtle, and it’s good. Still, the candy bar comes off as busy, and feels more like it’s auditioning for candy, and isn’t just candy.

4. Butterfinger: Teeth ruining mother fucker. Butterfinger’s are delicious, and will kill everyone. Butterfingers linger in your teeth like the images from Human Centipede linger in your brain. Both do about the same damage. If this candy bar wasn’t so messy it might be my favorite.

3. M & Ms: This shouldn’t be on my list. NOT a candy bar, but you Bernie kids are real assholes about making sure everybody gets heard. Fine candy, in this order: peanut, pretzel, regular, crispy, peanutbutter, almond, then all the stupid kinds.

2. Snickers: Classic, solid, great Candy Bar, introduced the word Nougat into the American lexicon, and helped confuse people regarding Ted Nugent for decades. For the record, both Snickers and Ted Nugent are bad for you, and sound a little racist.

1. Twix: Fantastic Candy Bar, simple and elegant with a distinct taste. It comes in a two pack so it feels like more candy, but doesn’t tell you how to live you life. Twix is great, caramel was the classic, and the only one that counts.

  1. Robyn Kubsch says:

    I am severely disappointed by Twix Peanut Butter’s new recipe. No one wants the original recipe with peanut butter instead of carmel! The chocolate cookie with the peanut butter was a wet dream now the thing won’t even get hard!

    I think the Snickers variations need a voice on the list too. The Rockin’ Nut Road is freaking amazing plus it has marshmallow!

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