Royal Numbskull

Posted: January 6, 2016 in Uncategorized

This is the greatest Royal Rumble you can imagine. It takes place in the middle of your brain at The Nexus of All Realities Stadium, The announce team is Rod Serling (The Twilight Zone), Bas Rutten (UFC, Inside MMA), and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. The official theme song is all four of The Beatles singing Queen’s “We Will Rock You,” their instruments are Transformers that turn into Waterbongs.

Here’s how the match goes down, 30 combatants are selected. The match starts with two people. Another superstar enters every 90 seconds. The only way to be eliminated is being tossed over the top rope.

Entrant number 1 is ANDRE The GIANT,

Andre

7 foot icon and 8th Wonder of the World, he all but guarantees an early departure for number 2, except Number 2, is The Venture  Bros.’ BROCK SAMSON.

brock samson

The Swedish Murder Machine locks up with Andre and wrestles him to a standstill until the 3rd entrant, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN makes his way to the ring.

ben franklin

Our founding father low blows Andre and hits Samson with a brutal DDT, before delivering a People’s Elbow, the most electrifying move in sports entertainment. The 4th wrestler is best selling author and hardcore legend MANKIND,

mankind

who brings a chair with him. He brains Ben Franklin with it, and locks in a Mandible Claw. The two men have suspiciously similar builds. Wrestler number 5 is “MACHO MAN” RANDY SAVAGE,

Macho Man

he enters the ring with a standing ax handle that knocks Andre back and into the ropes, where he gets tangled up. Number 6 is Bounty Hunter BOBA FETT.

boba fett

He flies into the ring with his jet pack and blasts Andre with a pulse rifle. All the men are decimated, except Ben Franklin, who leaps from the turnbuckle and grabs Boba Fett’s ankle, he viciously pulls him down to the canvas. Number 7 is WWE Superstar and most famous champion, HULK HOGAN.

Hulk Hogan

He comes in, cleans house, and apologizes politely for anything he might have said that was racist. He knocks down all the combatants, and drops an Atomic Leg Drop on Boba Fett, the Mandalorean Body Armor shields him from any fallout. Hogan and Macho Man brawl in the middle of the ring, while Brock Samson eliminates Andre with a body press. Number 8 is Rock Legend and sometimes Late Show Host, WARREN ZEVON.

Warren Zevon

“Hit Somebody” is what the crowd roars, as Warren Zevon comes in over the guardrail. He clocks Macho Man with an El-Kabong Guitar shot. The Excitable Boy hits a Rollin’ The Headless Thompson Cutter on Hogan, and lays into Brock Samson with punches to the belly. Entrant 9 is comic book character HELLBOY,

hellboy

who enters the ring and lays out everyone. Hellboy scoops Warren Zevon over the rope eliminating him. Macho Man Randy Savage tries to surprise the hornless detective, but gets backdropped over as well. Number 10 is former WWE Champion, THE UNDERTAKER.

Undertaker

Hellboy, senses the evil he represents and leaps outside the ring and charges up the ramp, eliminating himself in the process. He upends The Deadman with a devastating Swinging Hammer Fist, and walks to the back satisfied. The Undertaker stays motionless for a long time, but finally sits up in dramatic fashion. He walks to the ring woozily. Number 11 is MY HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL COACH DON HARTER.

coach

He immediately goes after The Undertaker and grabs The Dead Man by his ball sack. He cuts an insane promo that roars and rambles, he snorts and swears and spits tobacco juice while babbling nonsense about hunting dogs. The Undertaker grips Coach Harter by the throat and both roll over the top in an attempted chokeslam/sacktoss. The Undertaker hits a Tombstone on the outside, but Coach Harter insists he’s still a pussy. Entrant 12 is DAVE CHAPPELLE.

Dave Chapelle

The comedy hero and million dollar walk-away ducks a stiff clothesline from Hogan,  then punches him in the face  three times, dances a little bit, and knocks him out and over with a right cross. The 13th entrant is JEAN CLUADE VAN DAMME,

JCVD

who slides into the ring, does the splits, and crushes Ben Franklin’s nuts. Number 14 is 15 time Champion John Cena.

john cena

On his way to the ring Jon Stewart runs down to interrupt him. “I’m sorry,” says The Daily Show host, “but I’m afraid we’ve got a problem,”

stewart_rect

he’s rummaging through some papers and pointing to the TitanTron. “It seems you’re not supposed to be here, because you’re really not very good, in fact…” He goes on to explain that in every universe where John Cena isn’t champion, the world is better. Parallel Dimensions are shown on screen. There’s a timeline where Antonio Cesaro’s won the title, and there’s no more war in the Middle East. John Cena gets really sad and walks to the back crying. Number 14 is 16 time World Heavyweight Champion, RIC FLAIR.

Ric Flair

He struts around the ring laying out opponents with with chops to the chest. This universe is just fine. He pauses at Big Brock Samson. “You look a lot like a guy I used to work with.” Says The Nature Boy. “Yeah. Sid Vicious.” says Brock. “Undisputed master of the powerbomb.” He kicks ‘Naitch in the guts, wrenches him to his shoulder and plants him so hard the crowd cringes and some people vomit. Children are crying, no one says anything until  Ric Flair’s foot twitches. Number 15 is G.I. Joe hand-to-hand combat trainer and tactical genius SNAKE EYES,

Snake Eyes

the ninja stalks the ring and pulls out Dave Chappelle and Mankind before they know what’s going on. He enters under the rope and dumps Ben Franklin over seamlessly. Jean Claude Van Dam sees the threat and gets proactive, he steals his cousin’s(?) move, and goes for a Five Star Frog Splash. Snake Eyes hits him with a dancing kick, that sends him over. Brock Samson grabs Snake Eyes from behind, and starts to squeeze, but Boba Fett fires a high powered bola that snares Brock and pulls him to the floor. Snake Eyes cartwheels across the ring and kicks over Ric Flair, who had been walking around suffering from an apparent concussion. Snake Eyes and Boba Fett eye each other suspiciously in the center of the ring. They circle each other in silence, stalking. Snake Eye make a move but Boba counters. Boba feints a shot but Snake Eyes doesn’t fall for it. They leap at one another, tussle in the air, and land gracefully. Boba Fett raises one trembling hand and caresses Snake Eyes’ visor. The ninja turns his cheek coyly, his hand creeps up and takes the Bounty Hunter’s in his own. The two entwine their nimble, murderous fingers like the roots of lonely oaks. They step over the ropes together, as if they had always been one perfect creature. The Arena fills with doves.

dove 1                   dove 2                    dove 3

Entrant 16 is “THE DUDE” JEFF LEBOWSKI.

lebowski

He claps at the display of love we just witnessed, and walks around the ring a bit. He finds a roach in his pocket, and lights it. He’s finishing it up when number 17, The Simpson’s bartender MOE SZYSLAK enters.

Moe Szyslak

Moe chases The Dude around with a board that has a nail in it, before The Dude talks him down. He asks Moe if he can make him a White Russian, but Moe says no, because Russia’s not a real place. He ends up drinking a Duff when the glass breaks, and number 18, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN walks to the ring.

stone cold

Both combatants in the ring are nervous, but Stone Cold seems cool to just drink some beers. He’s about six deep when number 19, CM PUNK arrives and breaks up the party.

cmpunk1

Usually Stone Cold could handle this, he fights drunk all the time, but he didn’t account for the amount of battery acid or heavy cream in Duff, and he’s both pretty blasted and very sleepy. CM Punk gets the upper hand. Number 20 is legendary lawman DOC HOLLIDAY as played by Val Kilmer,

Doc Holliday

and only this version with no regard to historical accuracy. He comes to the ring in a trenchcoat, and says something awesome. Then he shoots CM Punk with a shotgun. CM Punk falls outside. Also, when you fall outside now, you blow up… maybe you did the whole time. No Wait! It was a moat. It’s been a moat this whole time and it’s full of squids and Loch Ness Monsters. Doc Holliday turns around and catches a shotgun blast from Moe, who always has a shotgun ready. Holliday topples over the top rope and gets eaten by squids. Number 21 is Independent Wrestling Sensation and Lucha Underground Star SON OF HAVOC,

Son of Havoc

this masked, bearded weirdo flips through the air missing shotgun blasts from Moe until landing a beautiful splash on Stone Cold. The audience makes a note to watch Lucha Underground, but they probably won’t. Number 22 is DARIA, from MTV’s Daria.

daria

She’s just here to get out of a gym credit. “Um, I don’t really see the point of this aggression,” she says while dodging attacks from Son of Havoc. The Dude seems to agree with her. Stone Cold flips her off with both middle fingers and hits a stunner that sends her over the top rope. Number 23 is Michael Jordan, because number 23 IS Michael Jordan.

Jordan

He comes in and hits Moe with a backbreaker and dropkicks Stone Cold before tossing Jeff Lebowski over the top rope. The squids leave him alone. The Dude abides. Number 24 is Author JOSEPH CONRAD.

Joseph_Conrad.PNG

He blocks an attack from Jordan and hits him with a Heartpunch of Darkness. Jordan flounders helplessly on the mat. (If you’re not as well read it’s Kurt Vonnegut and he hits a Cat’s Cradle Suplex. You get it, it’s great.)

Kurt_Vonnegut_1972

Number 25 is THE MILITARY ADVISER FROM SID MIER’S CIVILIZATION REVOLUTIONS.

Civ guy

This pan-ethnic mustache has guided people to conquest in countless video games. He preaches xenophobia and never relents on holding grudges. The Crowd loves him. He marches in and knees Austin before applying The Camel Clutch on Son of Havoc. Number 26 BERNIE SANDERS,

bernie

he starts his entrance to the ring. The audience chants “Ric Flair,” because he looks just like Ric Flair, and they’re confused for a minute. They don’t recognize Bernie as the next President of The United States of America! Bernie Sanders enters and upends Son of Havoc with an STO then Stunners Stone Cold Steve Austin. Bernie gets on all fours and barks at The Rattlesnake about how his millionaire status has removed him from the common man. He Powerbombs Michael Jordan into the turnbuckle and spits on him for investing in Private Prisons, he starts dismantling the Military Adviser when number 27, AVATAR ANG of Avatar: The Last Airbender flies into the ring on his glider.

Avatar-Ang

The tiny human embodiment of all four natural elements twirls into the center of the chaos and leg sweeps everyone to the mat, he flies to the rafters and drops an elbow so hard that Macho Man Randy Savage is now back in the match. It was so perfect an elbow, that lightning struck, thunder went “Ohhhh Yeah” and now a Zombie Macho Man is up and choking The Military Adviser from Civ. Number 28 is BROCK LESNAR,

brock lesnar

The WWE’s current monster and rightful champion. He charges the ring and isn’t afraid of anything. He tosses over the Undead Macho Man and pummels the rest of the ring. Lesnar grabs Avatar Ang and throws him out over the moat, but Ang catches a wind current and rides it around the arena because he’s an airbender and he can do that. Lesnar grabs Michael Jordan and throws him out over the moat, but Mike catches a wind current and rides it around the arena because he’s an airbender and he can do that. Son of Havoc, always looking for the biggest spot, has sneaked to the rafters and attempts an even bigger elbow drop than Ang. SoH intercepts Jordan in mid flight, and they land in a tangled mess near the corner. Heenan calls it a “Blue Blazer,” No One thinks it’s appropriate. Number 29 is Rock Icon JACK WHITE,

jack white

who sprints to the ring Ultimate Warrior style and smashes his electric guitar on Lesnar’s head. Heenan complains they’ve already seen a guitar shot, and Bas Ruten tells him classics can be simple. Honky Tonk Man is at ringside, and he seems okay with it. Jack White hits Lesnar with an Icky Thump and a Jimmy the Exploder Suplex before hitting a Denial Twist. Entrant 30 is the most dangerous stable in imaginary wrestling. It’s THE WEASELS from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Toon_Patrol_(WFRR)

The Quintet storm the squared circle with guns blazing and knives and bats swinging. Psycho, Wheezy, Greasy, Stupid, and Smartass all split up and terrorize the remaining combatants. Greasy, the vaguely offensive one, and Moe wrestle over a knife, stabbing each other mercilessly as they roll under the ropes and into the water. Two tentacles wrap around them and pull them towards the moat. “I knew it would end like this,” Moe sighs “every thing I sign up for ends with tentacles and a knife fight.” Stupid clubs at Jack White with his bat, Psycho is lacing up Bernie Sanders with his switchblade. Smartass shoots indiscriminately into the crowd while Wheezy produces a big round black bomb with a cartoon fuse. He lights it, and shoves it down Brock Lesnar’s shorts. The explosion sends Brock high in the air, stretching against the ropes. They snap and the ring collapses at the corners. Brock pulls himself back to the mayhem. Avatar Ang is overwhelmed by the explosions and screams of the innocent. He enters his Avatar State. He glows with unnatural power as bright blue energy ripples and crackles around his frame. He swells in size and fury. “YOU” he screams, and summons volcanoes to rattle the remaining combatants. He crushes the ring with a tidal wave that sweeps the men into the water. Brock Lesnar dashes in to make the save, he grabs the Avatar and hits beautiful F-5. The Avatar recoups and hits Lesnar with his own F-5, not the move, but an actual F-5. A Massive Tornado the size of a town throws Brock Lesnar into the crowd, and rips the ring in half. It tears lights from the ceiling. The TitanTron cuts to John Cena in the back still crying. Amid a maelstrom, John is crushed by lockers and an errant safe. Paramedics run to rescue him, they pull the steel away from awful gore. “You shouldn’t see this” says a doctor, waving a hand in his face. The tornado decimates the Spanish Announce Table, but leaves the regular announce table unscathed, as is the tornado’s way. Ang, exhausted, collapses in the center of the ring. He sobs at the destruction, and what he has become. There’s gurgling from the bank behind Ang. Moe Szyslak pulls himself from the water and charges at The Avatar, scooping  him over. He’s shoeless, and covered in sucker marks. His ragged pants are cinched about his waste with a weasel belt and tentacle buckle. “KID GORGEOUS” MOE SZYSLAK smiles his terrible smile. He’s going for a gold belt at WrestleMania.

Moe 2

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Comments
  1. gREAT pOST!!!! I Love WWE. thanks for sharing.

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