All Forty One Marvel Movies Rated By The Number One Source In How Well I Like Marvel Movies

Posted: May 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

1. Iron Man (2008) – Is my favorite Marvel Movie. This kickstart to the Franchise is the best characterization of a Super Hero to date. Robert Downey Jr’s Iron Man is actually Better than Iron Man. He changed how the character was written, without making himself necessarily that character.

2. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) – The most fun Marvel movie, Guardians creates a world as expansive and interesting as all three new StarWars movies but actually fun to watch. The glimpses into bigger themes are so subtle, (Rocket’s past, the psychology of slavery,) that they never disrupt the joyride, only enhance it. The only thing keeping it from being number one is its lack of premier  heroes, which is no honest complaint.

3. Blade (1998) – Blade fixed movies. This was the first Marvel movie to be any good. It had an A (or at least high B) superstar attached, and the director took the world seriously, or as seriously as you can take a world full of vampires and future tech. Big Action and a fun dark world cements this movie in the top three, with an additional “Lifetime” award added on.

4. Avengers (2012) – A perfect blockbuster, and an innovation in “Movie World” production. This “crossover” event is every bit as important as the same early comic book gimmicks. Making independent movies share the same screen and story is a surefire way to pack in a lot of action. Avengers succeeds in illustrating them as a team, not a collection of awesome characters, and that’s why the movie is fun.

5. Avengers Age of Ultron (2015) – More of the same from the Avengers, and that’s not a rebuke. The movie is probably better organized than the first, and has action every bit as exciting, but AoU is a sequel and doesn’t go bigger. Ultron, a robot villain, (even pulled off as well as Spader does,) is always predictable, and not as satisfying to hate as a real person (even a god.) Also, there’s a little less on the line with this one. It’s a building chapter, and should the story pan out, the nuance of this one might be remembered more fondly, but right now, it’s the lesser Avenger film.

6. Iron Man 2 (2010) – More great Tony Stark, and plenty of it. This movie’s not as good as the first, but it proved they could do a sequel, and not shit the bed. It expanded the universe past origin stories and had some great action sequences. It also made War Machine fun, which isn’t easy. Mickey Rourke’s character is sorely lacking, and a better edit proves that, but he’s still fun. It’s just a shame they didn’t give a great actor a great role, or at least a sweet costume.

7. X-Men Days of Future Past (2014) – The only X-Men film in the top ten, and the only one that deserves it. This is the first Marvel movie that really made me feel like much was on the line. It uses the trick of alternate reality deaths to make its actions carry more weight, and that’s fine, it made for a compelling and fun to watch film. This effort to save the Franchise worked, and we’re lucky for it.

8. The Incredible Hulk (2008) – Edward Norton might be a butthole, but he plays a great brooding butthole. How does everybody forget what a great job Tim Roth did? I think this movie ought to be called, “Rise of the Abomination.” I loved this villain. An unabashed and unafraid badass. How long has it been sense a “kid movie,” allowed a cool and complete antagonist? Seeing him beaten meant something, because it wasn’t easy. Seeing those two slug it out made up for not seeing Hulk Smash anything in earlier Hulk attempts.

9. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) – This movie grew on me, and is the only movie I think would go “Up the Chart,” if plotted from when I first saw it. The reason’s simple, someone suggested I just, “watch it like an action film,” and when I did, I liked it. CA: TWS succeeds doing what So many comic book movies ruined themselves trying to do. This movie would work without the 75 years of Cap stories, and that’s remarkable. This is a movie about a super soldier. What the fuck else do you need to know?

10. The Punisher (1989) – Throwback to a piece of shit, but the best piece of shit. This movies on the top ten because no other movie on the list deserves it. It is good? No. But it’s fun, and it’s R rated, and Dolph Lundgren died his hair black, so hop on board. It was a moral victory in a time of abject defeat, and I’ll always appreciate it.

11. Spider-Man (2002) – Not bad. That’s all I can muster. Huge money, great actors, terrific story, not bad. This is the first on the list to suffer from expectation inflation. How do you take an actor as talented and nuanced as Willem Defoe and hide him in a mask more fit for Power Rangers? The movie’s okay. Not top ten. Never top ten.

12.  X-Men (2000) – This movie was a big deal, and aside from Blade, the biggest influence on Comic Book Movies becoming legitimate. It might deserve higher than this, but it doesn’t get it, and at least in part because of its followups. I appreciate this movie for treating funnybooks seriously, and for making Captain Picard Professor Xavier, that was so perfect all of our hearts burst. This movie was good, but I bet you don’t want to watch it again. I don’t.

13. X-Men First Class (2001) – Almost as almost good as the original. Fastbender puts on one of the best performances in the Universe, and I’ve already talked about loving McAvoy or I might have in the next one, I don’t know how continuity works, but Kevin Bacon does a Bacon worthy performance, and the movies okay, but bad character selection, and a few throw away side characters made this movie smack of comic book conventions and made it slightly less impressive than its namesake.

14. Blade 2 (2002) – Holy Shit Blade Made Money, Let’s Do It Again! There’s nothing special or important about this movie, but nothing’s wrong, and it’s fun to watch.

15. Thor (2011) – Nothing wrong with it in all the wrong ways. This movie has the super human ability to make you wonder if you watched it… or maybe just parts of it… maybe I’m thinking of the Avengers… or did I play a video game about it? You could walk out of a theater after just watching Thor and not remember the plot. It did make The Destroyer look AWESOME, and I didn’t think you could do that. I hated every comic book with that pulp villain tin can, the movie made it scary. I liked it.

16. Hulk (2002) – Yes, the Ang Lee one. It’s not as bad as everyone thought. I even liked it. The stacking up shots like a comic book is awesome, and all of you pussies that hated it and cried ruined something that could have worked (Just that shot style, not the movie.) They movie suffered from wanting to be a film. Bad move. The Hulk’s badguys need punched in the face, not dealt with internally. I don’t care about Hulk’s inner conflict, I care about his outer conflict. Hulk Smash. Not, Hulk Ponder.

17. Thor: The Dark World (2013) – It was pretty good… but I might just be remembering scenes from the first one or Avengers or the trailer from the next one.

18. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) – at times this movie is beautiful, and seeing all the back story is a lot of fun, but the pacing is bad, and the villain is so wasted it’s an insult to Nazis. They couldn’t figure out if they wanted the Red Skull to be accessible or creepy, and they went somewhere in the middle that wasn’t as good as either. The Red Skull’s mask came off like a bad Spoiler Alert inside its own film. The training and action montages were enough to make this movie fun, but it could have been great.

19. Iron Man 3 (2013) – Fun movie, maybe a little over ambitious. The Mandarin is a hard, racist character, and the folks behind this movie took a novel and admirable approach to doing him. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. The story gets a little watered down by not being able to fully explore his (or more aptly his backers’) motivations. This movie’s fun… but suffers from the American movies’ problem, where, if you go after capitalism in any way… you’d better spend a lot of time apologizing for it, and showing how any other “ism” is way worse.

20. Spider-Man 2 (2004) – This movie’s dumb and everybody likes it but me. Molina does a great job being Otto Octavius. Who should get killed the first time Spider-Man punches him in the jaw. Spider-Man can stop a train, but the pudgy old man who I think was in Chocolat can get hit in the face by him 30 odd times? Stupid. Am I being a baby? Yes. But, Stupid. There’s nothing wrong with the movie beyond that… but that’s enough. Stupid.

21. Blade Trinity (2004) – Just as stupid, but I liked it better. Should be 20, but I like being fair more than being honest. This movie suffers from just as much dumb, but it has pro wrestler Triple H in it, so it gets a pass. This is the first time in a movie I noticed sound editing being bad. The Dracula character sounds so wrong when he talks it’s more distracting than a fundamental misunderstanding of how punches work.

22. The Punisher (2004) – Man 2004 kicked out some mediocre movies! Thomas Jane is great. Travolta does NOTHING. He bores the fuck out of this movie. He gets bored in the middle of acting. He was actually asleep during the finale. The action scenes where Frank Castle fights anybody except the villain (whose name I refuse to look up) are pretty good, but that’s it.

23. Daredevil (2003) – I liked Daredevil, it’s just not worth it. The way they showed Daredevil’s power was fun and innovative, but they showed it off too much. It was like watching a videogame, and not in a good way. Also, Afleck, while trying really hard, was poorly suited for the lithe and agile Daredevil. I try not to get bogged down on actors looking like characters, but Daredevil never looks stocky, and Afleck’s almost pudgy in that suit.

24. Ghost Rider (2007) – This movie was bad, but it should have been bad. The monsters looked neat. Shut up and eat your popcorn.

25. Howard the Duck (1986) – This is where the movies quit being fun. I recognized Howard the Duck was poorly written when I watched it on VHS tape in 1988. It didn’t bug me then, it doesn’t bug me now. Nobody messes with a master of Quack Fu.

26. Punisher: War Zone (2008) – It’s tough to pull of gritty, it’s tougher when you want to add fanciful and silly, it’s impossible when you add “straight to video.” These adjectives piled up and even The Punisher couldn’t dig out from underneath them.

27. Fantastic Four (2005) – This movie’s bad and everybody knows it. This movie is like the real Fantastic Four. All the money and fanfare of a top tier team… we have to pretend we’re excited, but nobody is, and it’s nowhere near as good. Michael Chiklis looked neat.

28. X2 (2003) – Everything Not Nightcrawler’s fight scene in this movie can fuck right off.

29. The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) – The first hour of this movie’s pretty good. The rest isn’t. Has Spider-Man ever not told his origin story. I like to think the number of Spider-Man origin stories is symbolic of how much Peter Parker isn’t over his tragic story… like they’re representative of how often he lays it on some total stranger at a party. People are like, “seriously, who keeps inviting Spider-Sad.”

30. The Wolverine (2013) – You know, “better than the original” isn’t exactly a compliment. Especially how I say it.

31. Elektra (2005) – This movie’s so bad I love having seen it, but too bad to see again, which means the parts I liked weren’t really good, just fun. Arguably better than The Wolverine.

32. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) – I just need you to know, this is worse than Elektra. Liev Shreiber’s Sabertooth was inspired. It’s a shame it happened in this movie.

33. Spider-Man 3 (2007) – I felt like this movie started apologizing for itself half way through, and it should have, because it was bad. Too much frosting, no cake.

34. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011) – I know I’ve watched this movie twice, and I still can’t remember who the bad guy is. I vaguely remember a baby and possibly a sacrifice. I think a black priest betrays him. Some of this can be blamed on weed, but most of it’s on bad story telling.

35. Man-Thing (2005) – Man-Thing’s a really difficult character/concept to deal with, so this film decided not to. They made up some shit about Indians and oil tycoons being awful. There’s a reason you haven’t seen it.

36. Captain America (1944) – too old and weird to be judged by today’s standards. It’s above the others because nostalgia’s neat.

37. X-Men The Last Stand (2006) – Fuck You

38. Captain America (1990) – mostly made to convince people motorcycles were cool. I remember being let down with this as a 9 year old. Still mad.

39. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) – Jamie Fox as Electro was a neat idea, too bad it happened in this movie.

40. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) – Galactus is supposed to be a giant robot, and if a director doesn’t want to do that, get another director. Don’t put directors over your universe. A Director is an artist, and his vision is So important to making a story work. But if it’s a story about a giant cosmic entity that embodies death and change and power and that entity manifests itself into the minds of the organisms it interacts with and is going to destroy as a towering construct that sort of looks like a robot, put the fucking robot in your movie.

41. The Fantastic Four (1994) – I would rather watch behind the scene footage of the cast and crew drinking themselves into the stupor necessary to make this movie. It was only made to secure rights on time, and by that standard, fulfills its expectations, which might make it the best FF movie to date.

I didn’t put the MIBs and Kick-asses in there, because I don’t think they belong, but they’d be scattered among the top half of the list. MIB might make the top ten.

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Comments
  1. […] comic book movies.  It’s not nearly as ambitious as DJ’s list, which can be found here, but I hope you enjoy it just the […]

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