Royal Grumbles: Daddy hits you because you cry

Posted: January 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

Wrestling’s fake. Just like religion, money, and female ejaculation. It’s all made up to make you feel better, and usually, it works. But, just like the other three, the more you understand it, the harder it is to believe in. You shouldn’t believe in Pro Wrestling. It lies to you.

Last night was The Royal Rumble and it was absolute garbage, Class A Dogshit, just the worst fucking thing, and it did exactly what it was supposed to do. People hated the ending to The Royal Rumble. Roman Reigns is a new “good guy,” and he has been forced down our throat for two years. Last night he won a boring main event that everyone saw coming. The crowd booed, they wanted a better story. They wanted their guy, a little guy who works really hard and puts on great matches, to win. They wanted to be heard.

They weren’t. Roman Reigns is news because The WWE said he’s news, he has the look and vague “appeal” that the WWE wants, and fans are outraged. We’re outraged because we think we’re too smart for these choreographed plot lines and obvious pushes. We’re too smart to be told who to like. We’re too smart to be talked down to. Except we aren’t. We hate it, and we’re supposed to hate it.

We’ve forgotten what wrestling’s really about. Pissing off Rubes. Wrestling fans are supposed to be mad, that’s what they do, that’s why they’re wrestling fans. That’s why you’re a wrestling fan. Dummy.

Pro Wrestling doesn’t give a fuck that you didn’t like the ending. Pro Wrestling is working exactly like it should be, and it’s awful. Do you think those people wanted to hate Andy Kaufman?

They didn’t, but they couldn’t help it. They hated him, and they bought tickets. And they kept buying tickets. They bought tickets until people in charge said, “hey, if you don’t stop doing this, people might kill you” and even then, I’ll bet they could have sold more tickets. They sold tickets to a movie about it 30 years later. (You can say “Man on the Moon” was about a lot of things, but it’s really about Lawler versus Kaufman.)

Mad fans buy tickets. I know WWE Network shutdown from people unsubscribing… but I’ll bet they come back, and I bet they’ll bring their kid or girlfriend with them (they thought Reigns looked neat anyway.) Fans will talk about how it’s not Reigns’ fault, and blame writers, or Vince, and the monster will feed itself again, like it has been for years.

We blame Vince, we say he’s out of touch and doesn’t know what the crowd wants, and maybe we’re right, or maybe we’re forgetting the fundamental purpose of wrestling: Lie to the fans. Fuck those idiots. Sell’em lies, and Fuck’em.

The lie used to be “this is real,” and crowds ate it up for a long time. Real combat sports and a basic understanding of how getting punched in the head works ruined that. They replaced it with, “this is fun and wholesome,” but steroid scandals and an occasional dead girlfriend slowed that down. The images of unstoppable monsters still pervade, and shape the way we look at wrestling, giant characters literally and figuratively are synonymous with Pro Wrestling.

I hated Ric Flair growing up because he looked like a pussy, because he didn’t look like what a I thought the champion should be. I think I could beat up Ric Flair, but he’s great at fake fighting. He was incredible. I understand now why people loved him, but at the beginning of his career, you didn’t like him either. He made you mad. That little smug pretty boy was going to get crushed when Hulk Hogan got a hold of him. He was there to make the crowd mad.

Fans learned, and embraced that aspect, because we’re smart. Wrestlers now need to be able to cut promos and be likable. The message doesn’t matter (people will switch allegiances all the time,) but the ability to appeal is important. Having somebody who doesn’t fit that ideal is infuriating, and in an impossible way, sells tickets. I’ll watch WrestleMania because it’s not Cena in the Main Event, and that’s what I said I wanted. It’s not bad. Lesnar will be the good guy in the match and lose. Kids will like Reigns, grown-ups won’t. It’ll sustain. The Monster will keep eating.

The big lie now is not “it’s real.” The lie is “it’s art, and it’s fair.” Fans know wrestling is “sort-of real,” it’s hard and it’s dangerous and there is an art to it. Big guys who look cool and can’t talk are infuriating. Bad artists as heels in pro wrestling is so “meta” it makes it hard not to appreciate your fucking.

I hope I’m wrong. I know I’m not.

I don’t think Vince McMahon is a doddering old man who doesn’t understand fans today. I think he’s a dried up old billionaire who knows exactly what wrestling fans are, addicts. We like outrage.

Crowds are becoming more aware of the product, but that’s not changing what the product is. You won’t get what you want.

McMahon has no use for a breakout star. Breakout stars can quit the company and form opinions. Breakout stars can go to rival organizations and worse, take people with them. I’d follow Bray Wyatt to TNA, I’ll follow CM Punk to The UFC. I’d watch Daniel Bryan in a bingo hall. Why would Vince put the belt on him and tell kids that that’s what’s cool? Vince McMahon has created a new type of heel. The no-talent hero. The helpless prince. Sheamus, Reigns, Cena, Swagger, HHH, these guys could not carry over fans if they were to leave, but can be packaged in a way that sells toughness to casual fans. (Cena probably could bring people now, but only after receiving years of the most open and honest vitriol in wrestling since the admission that matches were fixed.)

The announce teams refuse to acknowledge that the crowds boo these heroes. It’s an infuriating practice that parallels old announcers ignoring cheating. It’s invalidating, and any level of payback would be terrific. This ignoring the situation questions the legitimacy of the “art” we watch the same way it did the “sport” we used to watch. WWE’s created a “reverse face,” and it’s hard to watch. It makes me angry, and an angry fan is easier to keep. I watch because I want Reigns fail, because that’s the business model, and I’m a rube.


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