Royal Rumble at the End of the World

Posted: January 22, 2015 in Comedy Journal

At the Center of the Universe there is a small city where time stops. A place suspended in nowhere that exists outside the things that used to matter. There, there is a structure, made of stone and steel and giants’ bones that houses battles from the eras. Gladiators ripped from time battle for glory and honor. The warriors of Valhalla war there on weekends, always as the Away Team, but no Vikings will be there this Sunday. This Sunday is: The Royal Rumble at the End The World.

The rules are the same as a regular rumble, 30 entrants (Every former winner, and past wrestlers invited on merit.) The Winner goes on to WrestleMania Infinity, where they wrestle The Current Champion and Agamemnon in a 3-way match for The Belt.

There was a lottery drawing for spots earlier, or later, it’s kind of hard to tell at the Center of the Universe, but people’s spots are random. except for Vince McMahon who said 27 is the best number and he gets it.

The Match starts out with 50 Million in attendance. It sets a Limbodome record, so they say.

Entrants 1 and 2 are Randy Orton and Big John Studd.

The two men go at it hard, with no stalking or feeling each other out. They leap into action with Studd getting the upper hand. Randy looks to lock up and gets a face full of fist that floors him. Studd picks him up and goes to toss him outside, but loses his grip and catches a headlock backbreaker, Orton whips Big John into the ropes and follows with a close clothesline, but it doesn’t send Studd over. Studd launches Orton into a turnbuckle, then picks him up in a Bearhug. He’s crushing Orton’s guts out when Number 3 enters, Hulk Hogan. The Stadium goes insane.

Orton is nearly unconscious when The Hulkster busts a big punch on Studd to break the hold. Hulk wails on both men and tears off his shirt. He pummels both in dramatic fashion. Number 4 is Steve Austin, and the crowd loses their minds. He storms the ring and catches big punches from Hulk. Austin gets punched into a corner and hiptossed back to the middle. Austin’s moving with the speed and ferocity he had storming the ring, but he’s getting smashed through all of it. Hulk hits him with a Big Boot, and that keeps him down, but as soon as Hulk turns around from it, he catches an RKO. Number 5 is Alberto Del Rio, and he piles on the downed Hogan. He puts him an Armbar that gets broken up by an Austin marching elbow, and almost gets pushed over the top rope, but hangs on until Studd clobbers both. Studd then gets an RKO as well, from a Randy Orton who really seems to be picking his spots. Orton punts Studd’s head, and then Del Rio plants a kick there too. The big man doesn’t know where he is. Orton and Del Rio work over Austin. Number 6 is Batista, who goes after the downed Hogan. He takes a Batista Bomb that rattles the ring.

Number 7 is Ric Flair, and when he shows up, Evolution takes over the ring. They focus on Austin, but they should have focused on Hogan, because when he sits up, he does it with authority. Hogan snaps too and delivers big punches to all of Evolution. He no sells chops from The Nature Boy to a series Woooos that get interrupted by a punch that sends Natch over the ropes but Not to the floor. Ric Flair stays in The Rumble. Del Rio does not. Hogan tosses The Mexican Aristocrat over the top rope and he lands in a heap, the first competitor out of The Rumble. Orton catches a Big Boot, and Batista’s getting clubbed in the corner when Number 8, Bob Backlund enters the ring. The first non-winner contender locks onto Batista and helps The Hulkster push The Animal over the top and out of The Rumble. Batista’s livid and bangs his hands against the ring apron, until Hogan clotheslines Big John Studd on top of him. Orton goes for another RKO but Hogan catches him and reverses it, he throws Orton in a high arcing fall to the outside. Randy Orton is eliminated. Hogan’s racked up the first 4 eliminations of The Rumble. He turns around to face the ring and catches a Brutal Stunner. Number 9 is John Cena and he comes in to an eruption of applause as he lays into Austin, Flair, and Backlund. Backlund and Cena start trading wrestling holds. They match each other in such quick succession that the other three competitors stop what they’re doing to watch. It goes on until Flair interrupts by poking Cena in the eye. Cena chases Flair, who slides out of the ring under the bottom rope.

Number 10 is Yokozuna. The 500 lbs sumo crashes the ring with kicks and slaps. He hits a Banzai Drop on Austin that demolishes the man, but gets interrupted from throwing him over the top by Backlund. The NWO music hits and Hogan looks at the ramp as number 11, Kevin Nash walks down the isle. Hulk Hogan doesn’t even notice when Ric Flair sneaks into the room behind him and lifts him over the top rope. Hogan is eliminated. On his way out, Nash says something snide, and the two men trade punches. Hogan gets the upper hand, but security and referees get between them. Big Daddy Diesel seeks sanctuary in the ring, and when he steps over, he almost gets clotheslined back out by Cena, but Big Sexy makes it to the apron, and slides under to stay alive. He hits a backdrop on Cena. Number 12 is Bret “The Hitman” Hart, halfway through his walk to the ring, Lex Luger’s music cuts in. The two split a Royal Rumble Victory, and it looks like they’ll be sharing this entry number. As Luger enters the ring, Cena locks eyes with him, and delivers a Attitude Adjustment to Yokozuna. The impact of of the fall wobbles the standing wrestlers. People in the front row say their beers rippled. Austin lights into Hart. Luger and Backlund both get pushed over the top by Kevin Nash.

Number 13 is Roman Reigns. Ric Flair clearly mouths “who the %@#! is this guy?” and the censors don’t catch it. Reigns enters the ring and trades punches with Cena, he knocks down Austin and Superman Punches Yokozuna. He spears Bret Hart so hard it almost kills him. Nash can’t push out Flair. Number 14 is Rey Mysterio. He hits the ring with Hurricanranas for everybody. A 619 takes the fight out of Reigns who was running the ring. Austin comes to with punches and is mounting some offense when Number 15, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, upends him with a clothesline. We’re halfway through the Rumble.

Hacksaw gets caught with a Cena shoulderblock, and Cena gets caught by a Spear. Reigns gets caught with an inverted atomic drop from Bret Hart and Nash follows it up with a sideslam. Nash picks Reigns up for Snake Eyes, and Flair catches him off guard. Cena and Reigns trade punches to Boos and Yeas, then trades punches with Austin for Boos and Whats. Mysterio breaks up a Figure Four on Nash with a Senton Splash. Shawn Michaels enters at Number 16. He gets mauled by Hart and Hacksaw but Nash breaks it up. Hacksaw, Reigns, and Flair all get pushed to the apron in a clutter. Reigns drops both boots to Flair on the outside, and it sends The Nature Boy sprawling, but he clumsily rolls to the steps and not the floor. Stone Cold Steve Austin runs by and delivers a knee lift that knocks Roman Reigns to the ground. Austin turns around and Yokozuna demolishes him with a body avalanche. He tosses Austin in a suplex before Cena runs in and clotheslines the sumo in the back of the neck. Hart and Flair sweep under the big mans legs and lift him up. Hacksaw grabs him from outside the ring and pulls. Michaels and Cena grab and push too, but the Sumo is still too heavy and fights them off. Nash stays in the corner and watches until Number 17, Shaemus runs to the ring. The two men help to lift Yokozuna. Mysterio leaps up over the pile and wraps his legs around Yokozuna’s head and pulls the mammoth man out. He falls gracelessly to the floor. Sheamus flexes and lets out a scream before Michaels hits him with a Sweet Chin Music and sends him over the ropes to the ground. Sheamus is outraged and in a fit. He pulls Hacksaw, who hasn’t re-entered, to the floor, eliminating him. He then hits the staggering Yokozuna with a Brogue Kick, before turning around and having Hacksaw charges through him from a 3-point stance, right as Number 18, Edge, comes through the crowd.

Bret has Cena in the Sharpshooter when Edge Spears him from the front. It wrenches Cena’s back violently. He Spears Austin. He goes to spear Flair, but gets caught by Mysterio with a kick to the head. Nash gets a hold of Michaels twice and throws him over the ropes, only to have him skin-the-cat both times, before Nash gets sick of trying, kicks Michaels in the stomach, Jackknife Powerbombs him in the middle of the ring, and leaves him there. John Cena clotheslines Bret Hart to the ground. He’s out. Number 19, Macho Man Randy Savage runs in and locks up with Stone Cold, who was stomping a mud hole into Edge. Number 20 is announced, and The Undertaker starts to the ring. Macho Man finds Austin in the middle of a rally, and whips him into the ropes just to get a Thesz Press and a bunch of punches. Nash Powerbombs Flair and Michaels kicks Diesel to the apron. The Heart Break Kid thinks he got him, but Nash steps over the ropes right as Edge Spears Michaels to the outside. Michaels hangs on to the ropes, and might have pulled himself back in, but Nash tosses Edge out on top of him, and they hit the floor together. Undertaker steps in the ring and levels everybody. He clotheslines Nash to the outside. Nash’s eliminated. The Undertaker picks up Mysterio and goes to toss him out, but is hit with a low blow by Flair. Flair’s bloody and not making sense. Austin takes an AA. Brock Lesnar comes in at Number 21. He suplexes most of the ring, and F-5s Ric Flair all the way to the arena floor. 16 people have been eliminated.

Number 22 is Triple H, he runs in and obliterates Macho Man with a Spinebuster, and nearly pushes Cena out. Number 23 is CM Punk. The crowd explodes. “It’s Clobbering Time!” he bellows and charges in. Triple H drops Mysterio with kneesmash, before CM Punk grabs him and throws him into an Undertaker chokeslam. Austin Stuns Triple H and Cena picks him up for his finisher. HHH slides off and delivers a Pedigree. He tosses Cena over the ropes but Cena holds on. Macho Man hits HHH with an axe handle. Number 24 is RVD who runs into the ruckus with a chair in hand. He tosses the chair to Macho Man and drives it into his face with a drop kick. He falls backwards and almost over the ropes.

Number 25 is Chris Jericho. Who doesn’t walk into the fight, instead, he sits with the announce team of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, Newsman Jon Stewart, and founding father Benjamin “Boss Dog” Franklin. They talk about how great Chris Jericho is, and Ben Franklin alludes that he and Jericho have slept with a few of the same women. Bobby Heenan says they should both go to a doctor. The crowd loses its mind as Number 26, The Ultimate Warrior sprints down the runway. He is three steps away from the ring when The Undertaker Powerbombs Rey Mysterio into The Ultimate Warrior. Warrior, waylaid, is out cold at ringside, but Mysterio’s feet have not touched the floor. He stands awkwardly on The Warrior, and jumps back to the ring. He steps under the ropes and is drilled by Macho Man, who has recovered from the chair shot and is wielding the chair liberally, at everybody. Mysterio’s out. Jericho and Ultimate Warrior both enter the ring. Warrior clotheslines Savage to end the rampage. Warrior and Lesnar run into each other in a colossal chest bump. They brawl fantastically as Macho and Punk battle on the top of a turnbuckle and Austin and Cena double team Undertaker. Number 27 is the only one everybody knew.

“STOP RIGHT NOW, STOP THIS THIS VERY MINUTE.” Vince McMahon screams from the ramp. “IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS RIGHT NOW, YOU’RE ALL FIRED.” The competitors gradually stop as the boss screams. Austin sits down in the corner laughing. “I have nothing to gain from this,” Vince states, he explains that he’s not going to participate in the Rumble, and will instead have a replacement. He says it needs to be a man of his stature, and the only suitable replacement is Andre The Giant. The crowd erupts. McMahon interrupts, he says he’s not just a man of great stature, but also a man of tenacity and virility, and thinks he needs two more surrogate to represent his “grapefruits.” He introduces Mankind and Kurt Angle. They come out and run to the ring. Austin somehow grabs a mic and asks Vince if those are supposed to be his grapefruits, why aren’t they all wrapped up in a purse trying to get his wife elected to office. Vince loses it and says whoever eliminates Austin gets a boat. Andre throws out Austin. He chases McMahon to the back. Later in the night there’s footage of Austin kicking the crap out of McMahon in a marina.

Andre The Giant cleans house. He crushes Macho Man and CM Punk, and tosses The Ultimate Warrior across the ring, He smashes HHH with chops and throws him outside. Number 28 is John Morrison, he flies into the ring and is immediately met with an Angle Slam. Jericho hits a CodeBreaker on Macho Man. Lesnar and Undertaker have been trying to push each other out for a while, but now focus on Andre. The two men suplex The Giant, and it’s his first time off his feet. When Mankind entered the ring, he drug two chairs out from beneath the ring, and is using them to destroy CM Punk. Ultimate Warrior goes for the Gorilla Press on Andre, but can’t. He collapses. Andre gets up and backhands Jericho over the top as he’s going for a Lionsault. Angle hits a serious series of suplexes on Lesnar and CM Punk starts stomping The Warrior. Warrior rallies and mounts some offense, but Punk reverses a shoulder block into a perfect Go To Sleep. Mankind, RVD and Macho Man have been exchanging chairshots for 90 seconds straight. Number 29 is Chris Benoit. He runs to the ring, doesn’t do much, and is thrown out by Andre The Giant. Stone Cold Steve Austin is brutalizing Morison. He throws him out alongside of the ring. Morison lands, catlike, and runs across the barrier guard. He jumps from the barrier towards the stairs only to be intercepted by a spiraling Rob Van Dam. Andre had thrown RVD over, and the two collide outside in a wreck of arms and legs. Number 30 is Kane. He walks to the ring amid fire and brimstone. None of the combatants seem impressed. Macho Man hits his Elbow Drop on CM Punk. When Kane enters the Ring, he and his brother collide and trade punches that echo in the arena. Macho Man and Kurt Angle interrupt only to each receive a Chokeslam. Cena clotheslines The Brothers of Destruction outside. Andre The Giant grabs Cena only to be put up on his shoulders and dropped in a tremendous Attitude Adjustment. He runs against the ropes and drops his Five-Knuckle Shuffle, before The Ultimate Warrior and CM Punk double clothesline him to the outside.

The Rock’s music hits. The stadium nearly explodes. “I thought there were only 30 competitors in the Royal Rumble,” says Jon Stewart. “It Doesn’t Matter What You Think!” explains The Rock. He points at the announce team and starts to jaw at them, when The Big Show attacks Rocky from behind. “This is my spot,” he keeps yelling, “my spot.” He hits a Knock Out Punch on The Rock, and Chokeslams him through the announce table. Benjamin Franklin is pissed. Big Show walks into the Ring.

The two giants stare each other down. The wrestlers left stop for a moment and watch as the two goliaths grab each other and trade punches. Big Show lands a brutal punch that brings Andre to a knee, but the big man grabs Show’s feet and pulls his legs up from underneath him. The two stand and push against one another. Lesnar leaps on both and starts throwing punches. Macho Man, Kurt Angle, and CM Punk stomp Big Show while Lesnar delivers an F-5 to Andre The Giant that Bobby Heenan says is the best thing he’s ever seen. Mankind goes for The Mandible Claw on The Ulitmate Warrior. The Rock slides into the ring and starts taking the boots to Big Show. All four superstars try and push Big Show out, but cannot. He hits Savage with the WMD and wrestles free from the others, only to be picked up and Bodyslammed over the top rope by the recovering and angry Andre. The Giant raises one massive, beefy arm over his head and it’s snatched up in an Anaconda Vice by CM Punk. The big man screams in pain as he bashes The Straight Edge Superstar into a turnbuckle. He bulls him into the corners, but can’t break free. Mankind bends a chair around the head of The 8th Wonder of The World. Macho charges in and Lesnar does too. The Rock grabs a leg, as does Warrior. Kurt Angle comes behind and pulls off a modified Angle Slam that sends Andre over the top and out of the Rumble. He pulls Macho Man with him. The men stand up exhausted and The Ultimate Warrior throws Rock over the top rope. The Rock skins-the-cat back into the ring and goes after The Warrior.

Lesner flattens Punk and delivers a string of Powerbombs. He drops Punk and looks to lock on his Kimura but he is blindsided by Angle who sinks in the Ankle Lock. Lesnar is screaming in pain as CM Punk simultaneously locks on the Anaconda Vice. Lesnar is helpless in the ring and taps out frantically and fruitlessly. Mankind drops an elbow on both men, and tries to throw Angle over the top. Angle Angle Slams Foley, but a CM Punk dropkick sends Angle to the floor. The Rock grabs Mankind and tosses him over but Foley hangs on. The Rock Rock Bottoms Punk in the Middle of the ring. He kicks Punk’s arms in and prepares to deliver The People’s Elbow. He throws his elbow pad into the audience and bounces off the rope for the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, but Mankind pulls the rope down and The Rock falls over the top.

Four Men are left in the Royal Rumble: CM Punk, Brock Lesnar, Mankind, and The Ultimate Warrior. Warrior rushes at Mankind, and Mankind shoulders him in the belly and gets back in the Ring. Warrior Gorilla Presses the Hardcore legend and drops him to the mat. Lesnar delivers a forearm that sends Warrior to the outside. Mankind leaps on Lesnars back and locks in the Mandible Claw. CM Punk charges to push both men over. He has them up and over the rope, but Lesnar locks Punk in a headscissors and pulls him out with him and Mankind still locked around him in an ugly Hurricanrana tangle. CM Punk’s feet hit the ground while Lesnar hangs from one arm while Mankind continues to apply his nerve hold. Rock, furious, crushes a chair against the Hardcore Legend, and he breaks his grip, and falls to the floor. Lesnar pulls himself inside and is victorious. He falls into the corner exhausted, grinning his crooked smile.

*Unless Mick Foley’s really reading this. If that’s the case, then The Rock’s chairshot misses, and folds the chair over Lesnar’s face. The big man tries to scream and Mankind sinks his Mandible Claw in deeper. Lesnar is fading and starts to go limp, his impossibly strong hand still holds the two men from the top rope. He lets go as the last lights of consciousness leave his eyes. Mankind reaches out with his naked hand and grasps the bottom rope. Mr. Socko hangs loosely, dripping blood, and spit, and the muffled swears of Brock Lesnar. Mankind looks into the camera as it swings around to show his worn and weather beaten face. “Have a Nice Day,” he screams, “Have a Nice Day.” McMahon appears at the ramp and yells, “I’ll be damned if a ragtag mutt like you gets to claim victory in MY Ring!” “You’re here because I let you be here. You’re my number Mick, and truth is, you’re not fit to serve as my Grapefruit.” McMahon calls out his new muscle. It’s Hollywood Hulk Hogan! The surprise entrant charges the ring to Jimi Hendrix, and the two lock up. They put on a match that breaks people’s hearts. Bobby Heenan says McMahon’s right, and a Ham-and-egger like Foley Doesn’t deserve to win. But he does. They fight back and forth for twenty minutes. He endures 3 Atomic Legdrops, and a Big Boot that takes his mask off his face, but Mankind locks in a Mandible Claw and walks Hogan to the ropes. Hogan starts to Hulk Up with the sock jammed in his gullet, but to no avail, Mankind upends Hogan and sends him to the arena floor. It is a beautiful day.

Your Winner Is: Brock Lesnar.

People wonder who he’ll face at WrestleMania.

Champion: Brock Lesnar

Match Time: 1 hour 23 minutes 45 seconds

Order of Appearance:
1. Randy Orton
2. Big John Studd
3. Hulk Hogan
4. Stone Cold Steve Austin
5. Alberto Del Rio
6. Batista
7. Ric Flair
8. Bob Backlund
9. John Cena
10. Yokozuna
11. Kevin Nash
12. Bret Hart/Lex Luger
13. Roman Reigns
14. Rey Mysterio Jr.
15. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
16. Shawn Michaels
17. Sheamus
18. Edge
19. Macho Man Randy Savage
20. The Undertaker
21. Brock Lesnar
22. Triple H
23. CM Punk
24. Rob Van Dam
25. Chris Jericho
26. The Ultimate Warrior
27. Andre The Giant
-Kurt Angle
28. John Morrison
29. Chris Benoit
30. Kane
31. The Rock/The Big Show

Order of Elimination

1. Alberto Del Rio
2. Batista
3. Big John Studd
4. Randy Orton
5. Hulk Hogan
6. Lex Luger
7. Bob Backlund
8. Roman Reigns
9. Yokozuna
10. Sheamus
11. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
12. Bret Hart
13. Shawn Michaels
14. Edge
15. Kevin Nash
16. Ric Flair
17. Rey Mysterio Jr.
18. Stone Cold Steve Austin
19. Triple H
20. Chris Jericho
21. Chris Benoit
22. John Morrison
23. Rob Van Dam
24. The Undertaker
25. Kane
26. John Cena
27. The Big Show
28. Andre The Giant
29. Macho Man Randy Savage
30. Kurt Angle
31. The Rock
32. The Ultimate Warrior
33. CM Punk Punk
34. Mankind


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