Posted: January 5, 2015 in Comedy Journal

The hardest thing about writing for 40 days in a row has been realizing just how little I have to say. In comedy, and probably in other arts, people always talk about “finding your voice,” discovering who it is you want to be and how to connect that to the audience. It’s a high accomplishment, discovering you voice. It takes a lot of work and commitment that most people will not do. I’ve spent the last 9 years professionally, and last 34 years privately, trying to find my voice, and I think I’ve made headway, but I’ve recently realized I’ve done nothing to discover my message.

The inherent narcissism of thinking I’m special has been overshadowed by the applied narcissism of trying to prove it.

There’s enough art. There are more books than I will ever read. There are more movies than I will watch. There are more types of dance, let alone actual dances, than I even want to learn. Still, I feel it is important that all the other monkeys hear my scream, and like it best. Not because it is best, but because it’s mine.

Now that I live somewhere where monkeys are screaming in a chorus I understand, and even like, I find myself reevaluating why it is I’m screaming. I used to scream in dissonance: I hate the god damn game. I hate my friend’s second marriages and rush to become boring, I hate the lazy acceptance that you are right and good and noble because you are you and you’re terrific. I hate it that you can be so dumb, and think you have it figured out.

Now I’m happy, in a bitter rotten way that want-to-be artists experience happiness. Looking at it from the outside and wondering how it will affect my purity and worth. Doing things I want to do has prompted a rage in me to become someone I want to be. I am not important, and I probably won’t be, but I can try and be better.

There are not enough books. There are not enough movies. There are nowhere near enough dances. Because, if there were, there wouldn’t be evil.

I’ve read Christian philosophers who say that evil doesn’t exist, that it is only the absence of good. That’s simplistic, but functionally useful. If I can make something good, if I can be something good, perhaps I can fight evil too. I think that’s a message that is worth saying even in the most sarcastic of voices.

I’m reevaluating my message. I would like to say better things, because I’d like to make things that make people think and encourage folks to understand. I want to make things that are funny and true. I also read that all evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Again, simplistic, but I can apply it usefully, because I’m going to make stuff.


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