Mostly About That Treble

Posted: December 31, 2014 in Comedy Journal

I don’t like big asses. Growing up a big ass was gross. Lisa Simpson got made fun of for having a big butt. We’re about the same age. I blame the ethnics. I’m not mad, it’s not like my needs aren’t being met, I just feel underrepresented in America. I don’t want to speak too loudly, because I’m afraid Bill O’Reilly will hear me, and it’ll become a talking point for him, and then I’ll be guilty by association.

I didn’t think I was overtly affected by my tiny ass prejudice until 5 years ago. I watch watching wrestling with friends, and, as is often the case, the conversation during the Ladies matches was “who would you most want to sleep with.” I play the same game with my gay friends, which is hilariously uncomfortable. Also, we can all agree that Randy Orton is beautiful. I said the girls I liked in order, and my buddy pointed out I like flat asses. I guess I do. Also, I listen to very little hiphop.

I don’t hate it, I just never picked it up. I spent my middle school years trying really hard to like metal or classic rock. Turns out I like wuss jams, but that’s irrelevant. My cultural bias has led me to one of the saddest separations I’ve ever had from the main stream. The whole world seems caught up with asses, I’m still firmly a skinny chicks with huge cans man. I don’t want to pretend it’s ever influenced who I like, or that I’m so inundated with ladies that I’ve ever had a choice. But, If I did, asses would not play into it. I’m one of like 300 guys who liked Jesse Spanno more than Kelly Kapowski. We’ve got to be wrong, if we’re looking for consensus.

What I’m saying is. I’m without struggle.

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