Round 1… FIGHT

Posted: December 18, 2014 in Comedy Journal

I wanted to edit my story from the last two days today, but it’s my birthday, and I’m not working that hard today; but, in sticking to my writing for 40 days, I’m still going to make a post. These are the Best fights I can think of.

1. The Baddest Assed Bad Ass fight.

Wolverine vs. Hellboy – Wolverine is probably the reason I, and everybody, love comics. The loner tough guy with an unstoppable power is quintessential to the progression of comicbooks. I’d argue Wolverine carried comics to the forefront of pop culture, not Spider-Man, Superman, or other Golden Age heroes. Hellboy is an adaptation of the loner archetype and modernized for darkening, more literary comicbook world. A misunderstood bastard son of Hell pulled to our world by the Nazis and turned into a weapon for truth and protection of our world. A perfect and beautiful reluctant hero. While Wolverine embodies so much mistrust and anger prevalent in the 80’s and 90’s, Hellboy presents a mirror image of that. He’s a kind soul pushed into a world of nothing but sharp teeth and hot fires. Hellboy’s stronger, and smarter, and maybe even tougher, but Wolverine is meaner. If they’d fought in 1999, Wolverine would have won, but 2 or 3 shitty movies, and that guy from Les Mis have turned him into a vague idea of a toughguy. I’m going with the Lord of Hell.

2. Battle of the Gods

Superman vs. Doctor Manhattan – Arguably the two most powerful characters in comicbooks. Superman can do anything you could think of in 1933. Dr. Manhattan represents everything we thought about science and power in 1986. This fight is difficult to call, because Dr. Manhattan’s powers are vague and undefined. He can blink folks out of existence, teleport and grow to enormous sizes. He can point and make people blow up. If Dr. Manhattan is as powerful as he appears, he can point at Superman and make him not there… but I don’t know if he’s as powerful as we think he is. The godlike Dr. Manhattan has never met another superpowered being. It is possible a well placed super punch on the beezer makes him explode again, or maybe he’s just got a glass jaw. We just don’t know. Superman’s fought cosmic threats, and he’s like 5,000 and 1… so it’s hard to cast him as an underdog.

People argue Superman’s fight is a more noble and personal fight, and because of that he’ll win. That Superman is essentially the “better” man, and will win because his cause is pure. But I fundamentally disagree. Superman’s a very Western Notion of a savior. His rocket ship to earth is a Moses analogue, and his disguise as a member of a human family is an apparent analogue to Christ. His ethics and values convey the Western ideal, and unwavering character is beyond reproach. The Zen-like Dr. Manhattan is above that. A very Eastern take on power and the role of a deity, aloof and sometimes harsh; it easy to not see Dr. Manhattan for what he is, an immortal beyond the notions of evil, a creature for whom balance and life are important, but not worth fighting for, because fighting is apart from his ideal.

I’m going with the big blue wiener.

3. The Fight for Greatest American.

Abraham Lincoln vs. Dalton (from Roadhouse) – One was a visionary and leader of our Nation through its most difficult era. A determined and rangy man with a spirit that conveyed dedication, conviction and strength of character, the other’s a kickboxing moterfucker who’s as tough as he is beautiful. Lincoln was a wrestler with a legendary toughness. A tall man with reach and a ground game will present a terrific challenge for the primarily striking bassed Dalton. While Dalton is most likely a more complete fighter, and certainly the better man for watching the door at The Double Deuce, the ground assault of Lincoln would wear out the “Best in the Business.” The man who makes everybody want to be an American will lose to the man who makes everybody proud to be an American. Dalton dances, but can’t put down Honest Abe. Their Debates are legendary. (They totally just focus on States Rights, Dalton’s super for black people, even though none go to his bar.)

4. Revenge vs Chaos

Charles Bronson vs. The Weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit – This is the only handicap match up and requires a little scene building. The Weasels have either kidnapped, or gang-raped Bronson’s daughter depending on if this is an R or PG release. The film is exactly the same except for that, and how gruesomely the Weasels die in the fight scenes. Regardless, Charles Bronson comes out on top and there’s a musical number at the end.

5. The Battle for Harmony in the Universe.

Paper vs. Rock – Rock wins, hands down, always. The Law of Rock rules the land. Everything makes sense.


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