Unlimited Free Garbage

Posted: December 10, 2014 in Comedy Journal

I can remember getting free refills as a little kid and it being a big deal. Kids today won’t remember that you used to only get the soda that came with your meal. My dad talks about being a little kid and only drinking 8 oz bottles of soda and I’m pretty sure he’s lying. Nobody’s ever had to do that, it’s a ridiculous number.

I drink too much soda. I’m stopping today. For a while. It won’t last. I’ve quit soda more times than smoking, and I bet I will again, but what’s driving me crazy is the fact that I don’t honestly like soda, not anymore, it’s just something I drink because I’m used to it, and I’ve been suckered into thinking it’s my job to get enough of it. My resentment for how cheap soda is made has fundamentally fractured my ability to say no to it. Addiction is a beautiful thing. I don’t mean to trivialize real addiction and life ruining practices, but my inability to avoid Diet Coke is honestly, and irrefutably addiction. I do not care for it, and cannot say no. I don’t feel powerless, but that’s really just semantics.

Why do I hate water? Is it just the hype? Diet Coke’s gross, and I know it’s gross, and it doesn’t slow me down. I made the switch to Diet one summer in college when caffeine pills convinced me weight loss was a noble pursuit. It wasn’t that tough of a switch. Weight did fall off, but so did any sense of accountability with my consumption. I easily consumed eight glasses a day. Not even bad guy doctors in bizarro-universes prescribe that.

Just a few days ago I was eating pizza with a buddy and opted to get myself a soda. There are some meals, specifically bad-for-you-meals, that I feel are improved with the brown almost foodstuff, pizza is one of them. On the way our I felt compelled to guzzle another soda and poor another for the road. It was ridiculous. I could never drink enough fountain soda to come out ahead on my two dollar exchange, moreover, why would I want to.

Am I so poisoned by the vocabulary of McDonald’s “value meals” and etc, and so predisposed to the idea that being good with money is primary criteria to being a good American, that I somehow look at chugging soda as my duty? Because I do. And I need to change that. It starts today. Again.

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