Oz is Ever Stroking

Posted: December 9, 2014 in Comedy Journal

A few months ago I read a story about a lady who jerked off a dolphin. It was about other stuff too, but mostly about jerking off a dolphin. Her name was Margaret Howe Lovatt, she worked for NASA and a guy named John C. Lilly. He was a genius, and probably a maniac. He mapped out a lot of our brain and how it worked. He also thought we were going to learn how to talk to aliens by taking Acid with dolphins and hanging out in sensory deprivation tanks. It didn’t work. Not yet.

The details of the experiment aren’t that important. They flooded a house, and a woman and a dolphin lived together inside of it. After a few weeks, the dolphin began to maintain a pretty much constant erection. He also started being a jerk to her. He starred splashing her and harassing her while she was sleeping. He started being aggressive. To deal with him, the girl started jerking off the dolphin. (I’d argue this illustrates successful cross species communication superior to any intra-species communication I’d mastered by 10th grade.) After the experiment wrapped up, she left and went on being a smart science lady who studies dolphins or ties rockets onto turtles or whatever. She maintains it was a clinical experiment for her, and I buy it. (As a sad aside, the dolphin (Peter) fell in love with his lady, and spent the rest of his life searching for his reverse mermaid despondent and mopey. He probably listened to a lot of Eve 6 and started learning karate.

She got laughed out of Science for a little while, and even now, she’s mostly famous as that lady that jerked off a dolphin: That’s the story I read. I don’t really know if there’s a lesson here. The message I got was, “this lady wanted to bang dolphins.”

That’s the story people wanted to read. That’s the lead. Read about this weirdo, and get shocked. But in our urge to get shocked, we’re getting really dumb. I fear that in our urge to “weird-shame,” we’re making some some big bad leaps. That if you’re not frightened or if you understand something, then you must be “with them,” the weirdos. I’m not really pro jerking off dolphins, or pro taking acid in sensory deprivation tanks (I’m Way more for the latter) but I am pro-learning. Even more than I’m pro dick joke. Science is serious, and sometimes it’s really interesting, and really weird, and just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean it doesn’t have value.

When I first met my buddy’s dad. He was jerking off a horse. He was shoulder deep in a horse’s vagina. They put on a weird shoulder glove that fits over your arm up to your neck like Cable’s metal arm. He was up there rooting around. Then they pulled in a dummied up saw-horse with a blanket over it and a phony horse beaver. A stud comes in, gets excited about the female being prepped out, climbs on the saw-horse and ejaculates in it. (They do a really bad job. Take away the horse cock and I’m more impressive.) The get on top, squirt, and get off. They package up the cum and sell it. It makes perfect sense.

My buddy’s dad is a large animal vet. He makes a pretty good living, and works really hard. Sometimes he has to jerk off a horse, sort of. He told me the guy who runs the horse ranch I met him at has the horses jerked off sometimes, “just because they’re jerks.” It makes perfect sense.

Nobody makes fun of that. I mean, a little bit, but not very long. There’s good money in horse cum. People understand that. You put money on the table? Well then you’ve got to stroke that horse cock: but if you’re just doing something to learn how a brain works, or get off this planet? What the fuck is wrong with you?!

There is a lesson in that, and it’s about how backwards our priorities are. I wish our fearless curiosity was fanned not and not smothered, at least as much as our greed’s allowed to run unchecked. I wish learning made as much sense as getting money does to us, as monkeys.

Our fear of being weird slows us down in every endeavor, except getting paid. That is beyond reproach. We, as Americans, have hang-ups on sex, and that’s fine: that’s NOT what’s going to keep us on this boring rock. It’s going to be our inability to get over this fondness for rocks. This stuff on our planet we pretend is real and make paper about is important. It’s gross on a fundamental level.

Our rules and behaviors have become guided by profit so completely it’s hard to even dispute its sanctity. You have to give glaring and unequal illustrations to even hint at the truth. Illustrations like this:

I hope my nephews touch every dick they ever want to in their lives. And none for money.

How’s that for weird-shaming.

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