5 Animals I Would Pick To Turn Into If A Wizard Or Gypsy Or Alien Offered Me Super Powers

Posted: December 5, 2014 in Nonfiction

I’ve talked about this a lot, with a lot of people. I think I have the right answers for me, and for not idiots. In this scenario you get to keep your human intelligence when you’re an animal, and you can go back and forth, but you only can pick one. These would be my finalists:

1. Gorilla- It’s tempting to go giant apex predator and fuck shit up, but I think I’d go Gorilla first. Gorilla’s could probably beat up anything I’d need to beat up, plus, they can wear pants and drive a car if I need to. A Gorilla in a track suit and mask can get away with a lot of stuff I don’t think a Tiger could.

2. Hawk- I’d want to be be a bird, and hawks are just tough enough to be awesome, without being so rare that people would notice or get too interested. You could live in a city or places where people go and not have to be a pigeon. It would be a good move, even if owls are sexier (fact.)

3. Bear- Probably a bad choice, but I’d still take it. You’d turn into it once, and people would freak out and and shoot you, or the government would capture you and turn you in to Vladimir Putin or Ted Nugent.or whoever really runs the illuminati and they’d turn you into a rug. It would still be badass though, and maybe I could move into the woods like Beorn in LotR, but it seems like a big risk.

4. Barn Cat- A lot like the hawk, you could get away with this pretty easily. I’d want to go dog, but cats are more agile, and can get anywhere. They hide really well and can make big jumps. I’m picking a barn cat because it sounds tough, but any cat would do. I wouldn’t want to have long hair, unless I could get it done in cool cornrows or a mohawk, but that seems like a great deal of work. I think I stray cat would be a pretty sweet deal though. Heathcliff always seemed to be having a good time.

5. Blue Whale- I’d love to go to the bottom of the ocean. I could walk away from humanity, (swim away from humanity) if I was a blue whale. I lie sometimes that I could be hermit, but I couldn’t, but scraping the very bottom of the world would be worth it. The ocean’s where we come from, and I’d love to look at it’s emptiness. Knowing I was the biggest thing I’d see, would probably melt my brain a little, and I’d be down for that. I’d have to avoid Japan, but I’ll probably do that anyway. I might come back and tell people stuff. I’d listen to a big blue whale.

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