10 Biggest Letdowns of My Life

Posted: September 15, 2014 in Comedy Journal

I think I’ve been too friendly lately, talking about stuff I like and such. So I want to show off what I do best, Gripe. But I don’t just want to bitch, I want to celebrate how mad I can get. I want to talk about the 10 biggest letdowns of my life, and say why they matter. I hope it’s fun. I want to show off my scars and callouses from being let down. I want to explain why I can’t get mad a terrible TV or movies. I’ll tell you why I’m not afraid to pick up Smaug’s red-hot 3-hour, piece of shit? It can’t hurt me. Not when I’ve been burned by:

The 10 Biggest Nerd Letdowns of My Life

1. Star Wars Episode 1 – Everyone knows this movie is terrible, I don’t need to point out why. We get it. (I even hated the Pod Race) But I will point out, this was the most excited I’d ever been for a film. It’s the most excited anyone had ever been for a film. Lots of people. All the people. Lined up like maniacs. For the first time. This was before “Black Fridays” and such. So many people. All so excited. And then, so heartbroken. This movie crushed people’s hopes, and, maybe even, beliefs. This movie is my generation’s Kennedy Assassination.
2. Star Wars Episode 2 – MLK Jr. Unless that’s racist.
3. Star Wars Episode 3 – Bobby Kennedy. By this time we just kind of expected it.
4. The last half of LOST – If you remember this show fondly, I hope you’re taking fewer pills than you were. This show changed the way I watched television, and I won’t fall for it again. I won’t suffer through weeks of wasted Wednesdays I could have spent drinking. The show strung you along with promise of things you’d never believe and always wanted, and then dissolved into a teary mess of incoherent sobbing. The hardest part is, I can’t forget the good times. The days at the beginning when the show was good to me, and there was so much promise. But fuck you Lost: You’re just crazy and shallow and a liar. That Island’s a big metaphor for shit that doesn’t work.
5. Diablo III – This game was bad, and people who liked it are bad. Diablo II’s fat and slow and stupid little brother wrecked everything its brother accomplished. Diablo III’s a spoiled bitchy game, that saw what his brother had done organically, did it louder, and pretended it was his. You always had to be online to play. It would lag and wreck everything sometimes, but worse, you Always had to be online. You could not turn the game on to unplug from reality, you had to log into a new reality, full of kids and slackers better at the game than you. I couldn’t play by myself anymore. Videogames were now a club I’d have to join. Gross.
6. The WCW/WWF Invasion Story line – In 2001 WWF bought WCW and with it, essentially, all of pro-wrestling. It was the first time anything like that had happened. I spent my whole life DREAMING of watching Sting fight The Ultimate Warrior or Goldberg fight Steve Austin. Cross-promotional dream matches shaped the way I enjoyed entertainment in general. (I have spent a disturbing number of hours wondering who would win if The Counting Crows fought Jack White. (With his all boy band totally Jack White, with his all girl band, still probably Jack White)) When WWF bought the WCW, it was going to really happen. But it didn’t. They rushed it and guys with big contracts didn’t come over. So the big match-ups boiled down to THE UNDERTAKER Vs. Buh Buh Ray Dudley. Lance Storm’s no Kevin Nash, especially when we’re wanting Diesel.
7. Marvel’s Civil War – In 2006 Marvel wrote a story that was loosely based on 9-11, and America, and Terrorism, and Civil Liberties, and the Patriot Act, and Superpowers. Superheroes fought each other, and it blew our minds when Captain America sided with the people over the government. It was a great build up. And then, like everything in the post 9-11 world, it got depressing and rambling and vaguely pro-government. Captain America ended up turning himself in because he didn’t have the heart to see it through, but then he got shot. I don’t know what the message was, other than “now’s a good time to quit reading comics.”
8. Losing my Virginity – This wasn’t terrible, just not as great as I thought it’d be. I can remember waking up the next day and thinking I was supposed to be different, and I wasn’t. I was just me. It wasn’t bad because it was short or sad or anything else, just not anything special, and like Diablo III, I’d had had more fun by myself, made me feel like something was wrong with me.
9. The Second Season of Carnivale – The first season of HBO’s Carnivale is one of the finest season’s of television I’d ever seen. Then season two was absolute garbage. It was so bad, I was glad the show was canceled. That’s why it makes this list. It taught me the thrill of a show crashing. It was so hard, right on it’s face. Many shows fall off, maybe most, but this show launched itself out of a cannon into a toilet. It was a terrible fall… but a great splash.
10. The Re-election of George W. Bush – This presidency was terrible. I don’t need to point out why. We get it. (I even hated the Pod Race.) The reason this is on list isn’t just because it’s terrible, It’s because of what it meant to me. I never had hopes for Bush 2 part 2, but I had hopes it wouldn’t happen. The first Bush election was weird, but I just figured people didn’t take it seriously. I had friends who voted for bush because they liked Will Ferrell’s impression of him: Plus, the numbers were crooked, he didn’t really win. But the second win, that hurt. He’d spent four years telling us war was good, and “we” were right, and books were dumb, and gays were bad, and we needed more faith and fewer rights, and brown folks were a threat to our existence. More people voted for him than thought he was an idiot. More people had seen how he did things and were like, “yeah, that’s what we’re going with, dumb and proud about it.” It’s the first time I realized I didn’t see or hear what other people did. It was the first time I really felt that most of “us” weren’t worth talking to. I was pretty bummed.

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