The X-Men are A-Holes

Posted: May 16, 2014 in Comic book reviews

The X-Men are a group of misunderstood heroes defending a world that fears and hates them, or that’s their byline anyway. But I’ll argue they’re not misunderstood, they’re idiots who deserve what they get. The X-Men haven’t used their powers for good, and they haven’t made the world a better place. They don’t apply their powers in meaningful ways, and the world, and their lives, are worse for it. For a team with so many geniuses on it, the X-Men sure are dumb.

First off, they all live together in a tiny community, and let me ask “why are there so many 30 year olds at a school for gifted youngsters?” It’s creepy. By excluding themselves from society, they create a little enclave that behaves like a prep school.

Like most high school bullshit, the biggest issue is sex. Gambit (the new kid with the accent) smokes, so clearly, he’s very cool, but he seems not to be getting laid. It might be because he’s always wearing a trench coat and kind of looks like a school shooter, but I blame it on his stupidity. Gambit’s blue-balled (a phrase Beast hates) over Rogue, a southern belle who can fly, is super strong, and doesn’t seem to put out. You might blame it on a Southern Christian upbringing, but it’s really because if she touches anybody, she absorbs their powers, memories, and… I don’t know… life force. That’s a shame, but shouldn’t be a problem. I can think of 5 characters off of the top of my head who have power dampening/nullifying abilities. Didn’t your former teammate Forge make a ray-gun for that? Why the fuck don’t you let that little weirdo Leech hang out and watch you two bang? You’ve done weirder stuff; Rogue, your mom’s a shapeshifter, and Gambit, you grew up in Louisiana. You’re both probably freaks. If you’re scared of losing your powers or whatever, fine, safe sex is important, but there are still like seven bad guys who have made inhibitor collars or power negating whatevers. Beast could whip those things into some sexy choker chain, or a creepy ball-gag if that’s your thing? Jesus, people, I went to greater lengths than this to get laid in high school. Am I more driven than an X-Man? Or just Way smarter?

Still, it’s probably for the best that those two don’t get laid. If they were able to have sex and have kids (I have to assume they’re too dumb to use protection,) their poor kids would be at a loss when learning English. Between their dad’s over the top Cajun French droolings, and Rogue’s unpredictable Hillbillyisms, the child couldn’t make it through one word balloon without realizing the need to kill itself.

But sex is just sex, and how or if somebody’s having it is not a good reason to hate anybody, but what about the stuff that does hurt people? Or at least, doesn’t help.

Storm can control the weather. Her natural step in evolution is CONTROLLING THE WEATHER, and she still hasn’t fixed anything. I’m in Los Angeles, and today it’s so hot my deodorant melted on the shelf. So yeah, I can see you getting a few bricks through your window when it’s hot out and you don’t do anything about it. How about a breeze or some cloud cover? Don’t tell me it’d fuck with the ecosystem. I’ve seen you freeze a man inside of an apartment building and make it rain on your houseplants. You’re just being a jerk Storm. What about natural disasters, that seems obvious. Where were you for Hurricane Katrina? You couldn’t give those guys some sunshine? It was a dick move, Storm. I’m just going to come right out and say it, “Ororo Munroe doesn’t care about black people.”

It’s no shock the students behave so badly, their leader Professor X is the worst: every Amber Alert, those missing girls in Nigeria, even that Malaysian airplane, is on his head. If he can find any person on the planet, pinpoint any mind you’re looking for, why doesn’t he get proactive. How’s some scrawny kid from Harvard looking to get laid done more for world communication than a man who can literally tap into every mind on the planet? You’re dogging it Charles. You can’t just find people, you can also know what they know. Put that to use. I’m sure there are innocent people in prison who could benefit from a 30 second talk to you. If nothing else you should at least shut up the “Truthers.”

So yeah, we hate and fear the X-Men. Because they’re jerks. I don’t think we should firebomb their houses or deny them voting rights, but I’m certainly done saying The Friends of Humanity don’t have a point.

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