Man Math: Would you trade your wiener to be a super-genius?

Posted: November 21, 2012 in Comedy Journal

Would you be two inches shorter to lose 30 lbs? Would you give up 10 lbs of muscle for a beard? Would you go bald for a bigger dick?

I’ve been playing this game the last few days with a bunch of different guys, and have found out a lot about people. I’m going to tell you some of my findings, and then tell you some of my “math.”

First off, this game’s only fun with boys. Girls suck at it. All they ever want to trade for is being skinnier or having eyelashes like gay guys’. This is “rock, paper, scissors” and they only throw “diet pills.” It’s because there are a million ways for dudes to be attractive, and just a few for girls. Sorry ladies,the world’s unfair. So, if you’re a girl… play it for your dude (real or imagined), and this can still be fun.

Second, understand that everybody has a predisposition to like where they’re at, and has a biased exchange rate. Men Really have different ideas about who they are and who they want to be. I was wrong about that. I thought everybody wanted to be taller, but they don’t. And I thought everybody wanted arms like cannons, but that’s not the case, a lot of scrawny dudes didn’t want muscles. I was more shocked to learn that not everybody wanted a giant porno-dong. I thought everybody wanted a bigger dick. I sure do. I’m happy with mine, but I won’t pretend for second that I wouldn’t take a monster cock that I could chase people around with. I’m glad everybody’s so happy with themselves, I really am, but my ideal me is about 9 feet tall with a shock of grey hair and a beard that trails behind me like a wedding gown… just a few feet past where my wang ends.

I guess not everybody wants that…. or they’re liars.

Anyway, let’s start with some rules:

When I propose changes, they obey basic physical laws. First off, if you’re gaining height, you’re also going to gain weight. So when I say, “gain 20 lbs” I mean proportionally fatter. So I’ll refer to it as “x number of pounds fatter” not “heavier.” Also, that fat is applied pre-transformation, and undergoes the same proportional changes. So, say you’re  a 5’8” dude that weighs 200 lbs and I ask, “Would you gain 50 lbs to be 6′, the weight would be applied at 5’8” and adjusted accordingly. It would probably work out to be actually about 100 lbs of mass… but you’d look 50 lbs fatter than you look now. Also, the weight, height, muscle, whatever works the way you’d like. There’s no Evil Genie/ Monkey’s Paw type thing going on here. You’re not going to get 40 pounds of muscle all in your neck, or just longer calves.

Also, the fat or muscle applied is where your body is at naturally. You couldn’t just work the fat off one time and be back to normal. You’d have to work at it to stay in shape. The muscle works the same way. If you didn’t work it, it wouldn’t look good, but you’d have it, or build it easily. What you did is really up to you. (I like to believe I’d jog more if I was already 30 pounds lighter, or lift more under the opposite circumstance … but I probably wouldn’t.)

All right, the findings/musings:


I’d like to be taller. I’m pretty tall now, but I’d like to be taller. But because I’m already tall, there isn’t much I’d trade for it. I’d be willing to be 20 lbs fatter for 2 inches. That’d put me at 2 meters, and I’d like to be “foreign tall.” I might be willing to go super fat to be 7′. Like 80 lbs. That’d make me a monster. I’d probably pro wrestle. I wouldn’t trade muscle mass for height. I wouldn’t want to be tall and weak.

I’d drop an inch for 10 lbs thinner or or 10 lbs of more muscle all the way down to 6′. That would still  leave me fairly tall, and being a skinny guy or beefcake would make it worth it I think.


Weight’s tough for me, because I’m very insecure about being a porkchop. I was a fat kid, and now I’m a fat adult. I don’t feel that fat… but that’s just because America’s getting fatter, and I’ve stayed about the same. (I’ve told you before, Old Fat is like Old Money… we’re  just better than newcomers, I don’t know why.)

I would add fat for muscle at equal rates up to 300 pounds. So, 25-30 of each. I’d be fine being a Hoss, and I don’t think it’d make me that much less attractive. It probably isn’t healthy… but I’d trade a few years at the end of my life to unscrew bolts with my bare hands.

I wouldn’t lose muscle to be thinner. It would probably be a fair exchange, but I’ve always identified myself as a strong dude, and while I’m probably really not… I need to be able to pretend I am.


This only really applies to bald and balding guys, but it’s important, more important than I realized. When dealing with hair, let’s just assume the best; it’s the hair you want, no questions asked. Just so long as it exists in nature. No awesome Medusa locks or Repunzel cilia.

I’d go bald to be 6’10”, and maybe you could talk me down to 6’8″. I’d also go bald for 20 lbs of muscle.

I’m thinning a bit now, and I’d give up an inch to make that go away. I wouldn’t get fatter or weaker for it. I’d also give up an inch to guarantee that when I’m older my hair will turn white or silver. I think that looks awesome.


This one baffles the ladies. It surprised me a little too. Beards are awesome, but I didn’t realize how much they meant to people who can’t grow them, Or to people with rocking ones. I guess I’m in the middle. I can grow a beard, but it’s blond. I’ve grown a beard and shaved it 4 times in a year and people still say, “I’ve never seen you clean shaven before.” Yes you have… I just never look “baby faced,” and even in wolf man form, a blond beard’s not that disguising. Anyway, in this game, it’s the beard you want. Whatever that is. If you want a bad ass Kimbo Slice, that’s the beard you’ll grow; a Brad Pitt Tibetan style, done. The women I’ve talked to about this are always shocked at a beard’s importance, and write it off as caveman stuff. Maybe it is, but they are masculine, even if they only impress other men. Can you think of any god’s that don’t have beards? Just Apollo and the bad guys. I guess I took mine for granted.

I wouldn’t trade much for a perfect beard. Maybe an inch of height to have a flawless and faster growing one… also… it’s bright red like a viking’s.

I’d give up my beard for 4 inches of height, or twenty pounds of muscle.

I wouldn’t give it up for a full head of hair.


This is a tricky one. Every person I ask explicitly informs me that they’re happy with their penis. But, when I ask if they’d take another inch for free… they all say yes. But figuring out what it’s worth is hard. First off, let’s say 1 inch of penis can mean a lot of things. Is it one inch longer? around? what? So for this math, 1 inch equals 1 cubic inch; probably less than an inch longer, but certainly an inch bigger, however you need it or want it.

Unlike the guys I’ve talked to, I’m more than happy to admit I’d take an upgrade if it was offered. I’d trade an inch for an inch down to 6 foot. 4 inches would be crazy, and I’d never wear anything but sweatpants. I’d give up my beard for a couple of inches, and I might even go bald.

I would give up an inch of penis to be 20 lbs lighter or have 10 lbs more muscle, I figure having a slightly smaller penis would be worth it for something that would allow me to use it more.

I wouldn’t trade penis for height, because I wouldn’t want to be taller with a smaller penis… that’s a two pronged assault that isn’t fair. It would look worse than it was.

I’d willingly give up an inch of penis if it was just from the tip, and made it’s face look like Richard Nixon. I’d do that in a heartbeat… but I don’t think it’s true to the game.


This is a late addition, and the hardest to apply. We don’t have a sound system for gauging intellect, but the IQ test is our best current measure. So, I’m just going to say IQ points. It’s not going to make you know stuff, just learn faster and reason better. As with muscle or fat… it’s your job to adjust. The average IQ is 100. 55’s slow. 145’s a genius.

This is a hard one, because I’m not certain where mine is… but I don’t think I’d make little trades with IQ, at least not with everything.

I don’t think I’d trade penis to be a little smarter, and I’m not sure I’d trade 10 lbs of muscle for 5 points. That seems like a fair exchange, but a smarter mouth might just get me into more fights I’d then lose.

I would trade height, go bald, or lose my beard to be smarter; I’d even gain weight.

Also, if the offer is left on the table indefinitely, I would trade a lot of anything for a lot of IQ. If it was 20 lbs of fat for 5 points, I’d trade way past reasonable. I’d be a 900 lb Batman Villain, and perfectly happy with that. I’d be more than happy being an evil genius dwarf, or weakling. I’d even trade cock down to whatever size it was still safe to pee at. I’d just bang the robot chicks I figured out how to build. Or make a ray gun that shrank vaginas.

So that’s my math game. It’s fun, and it’s easy. I’d love to hear your trades and your takes on this. And if girls can make a valid answer to the game, I’d Love to hear it. I’ll play it. I’ll even post it.

  1. enlacalle says:

    With IQ, no trade to decrease it. How about trading fat for IQ? Only in America! Wouldn’t be fair to the game…penis will be the most difficult one. You’re right everybody wants an upgrade. Maybe a little of muscle mass for an inch. That’s it. One adivise for your hair: use rogaine and you can color it gray. No need for trades man!

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