All Time Survivor Series…

Posted: September 17, 2012 in Comedy Journal

Survivor Series was always my favorite PPV. This year it’s in Indianapolis, and to help get excited, I’m going to post my dream match-ups game with a Survivor Series Theme. These matches take place in Chronopolis, the fictional city in comic books that exists outside of time, so you can steal people from any point in history. Rules are: you can use anyone from any era, but you can only use them once. You can either have 5 matches with 4 man teams, or 4 matches with 5 man teams, your discretion. Must explain your teams and the variables linking them together. You must post winners. I’ll give you a grade. I’d also like for you to grade mine. Here they are.

The Main Event. This is an easy one, it’s the pro wrestling staple: The Americans Vs The Foreigners

Representing the Americans, is the Team Captain HULK HOGAN. He is a real American, a fight for what’s right American. Also on the team, my least favorite, but pro-troop idiot JOHN CENA makes a strong 2nd man. Next, is my Olympic Hero, proudly clad in the red, white, and blue, KURT ANGLE, Then, though not in our colors, but rocking the black and gold, the American Dream, DUSTY RHODES, and finally, the 2 x 4
wielding flag waving man-child, HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN.

Those Filthy Foreigners endangering our American Values will be the 500 lbs threat from the Far East, YOKOZUNA, the dangerous and terrifying threat from the Middle East and my current favorite person
on twitter, THE IRON SHEIK, the godless monster from Russia, NIKOLAI VOLKOFF. Then, representing the evil empire that spawned us, out of the United Kingdom, WILLIAM REGAL. And finally, representing the greatest threat to our country and pro-wrestling villainy staple, Canada, EARTHQUAKE. The bad guys, to cement their evil, will be accompanied by MR. FUJI, (still young enough to scrap, but crafty
enough to manage)

Hulk Hogan                 Vs.         The Canadian Earthquake
Kurt Angle                                 The Iron Sheik
Hacksaw Jim Duggan                 Yokozuna
John Cena                                 Nikolai Volkoff
Dusty Rhodes                            William Regal

Order of Elimination: The Americans storm the ring and clean house for a minute, but in all the chaos that ensues, Fuji and Regal blind Hacksaw with Powder and take him out Early putting them up 5-4. Dusty
comes in furiously and after a series of elbows across the board, gets planted by Earthquake and then a Yokozuna Bonzai Drop. Bad guys 5-3. Hogan runs in and delivers a big boot to avenge his ally and takes out the Biggest threat from the foreigners, who still lead 4-3. The villainous team uses quick tags to wear down the Hulkster who tags in Cena, who makes quick work of Regal. 3-3. Cena wails on on the aliens
for a while delivering all 5 of his moves, but when Mr. Fuji distracts the refs, a sickle from Nikolai, lets Iron Sheik slap on his Camel Clutch and forces Cena’s unconscious, so the ref calls it. Foreigners 3-2. He celebrates for just a moment before being picked up and put down by an Angle Slam. 2-2. Nikolai comes in and blasts Angle with another sickle, but catches a big boot while gloating over his victim. A quick legdrop later, and America leads 2-1. Fuji does all he can to to turn the tides, taking out the ref while other import villains charge the ring; The Orient Express, Kozlov, Davari, maybe even a turn coat Slaughter, but Hulkster and Angle manage to fend them off with an assist from the returning Hacksaw and Rhodes. Angle manages to trap Mr. Fuji in an Ankle Lock while Hogan drops a legdrop on the Earthquake to cement American
Dominance in the squared circle.

Survivors: Hulk Hogan, Kurt Angle.

The high mid-card match pits two of my favorite gimmicks against each other. Masks vs. Facepaint. Nothing captures a kids heart like mystery, and these two things made me want to be a wrestler every bit as much as physique and character. This match isn’t as bound by the goodguy / badguy paradigm as it is by the conflict of awesome vs more awesome.

The Masks consist of co-captains BIG VAN VADER and KANE. Two monster type wrestlers not just tough enough for 1 mask, but two a piece. They approach the ring with a full-on theater mask, and then strip to a smaller working mask. Double masked bad asses make for a solid team and these are early 90’s Vader and late 90’s Kane, both in their prime. Partnered with them is one of my all time favorite performers, MANKIND. His mask was legitimately scary, and this is the crazy beating Undertaker Mankind in his prime, not the beat up hobbled one. The final two Masked Men represent the Luchador Tradition, and while there might be better representatives, I’m going with the two I know and like best, REY MYSTERIO JR. (right at his first title reign,) and SIN CARA. This team is probably the best on my fictional card.

The Face Painted are a powerhouse team Captained by THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. His taloned eyes were iconic to the point that I could still identify them anywhere. That shape belongs to the Warrior the way the octagon belongs to the stop sign. Backing up the warrior is one of the greatest champions of all-time, STING. I could happily take the Blade-Runner, partner to the Warrior, Sting of my youth, but The Crow knock-off sting is probably the best loved, and the one we’ll use here. Adding some unneeded muscle to this team are the greatest tag team of any era, and true trail-blazers of the painted face front, LEGION OF DOOM, HAWK & ANIMAL. Rounding out the team is one of the men who truly frightened me as a child, the amazing, mist spitting, GREAT MUTA.

Kane                               VS               The Ultimate Warrior
Big Van Vader                                     Sting
Mankind                                              Road Warrior Animal
Rey Mysterio Jr.                                  Road Warrior Hawk
Sin Cara                                             The Great Muta

Order of Elimination:  You would think a mask would aid against a mist spit, but you’d be wrong. Sin Cara gets misted and then put away hard by The Great Muta. Painted Faces 5-4. Muta doesn’t last long though, as Japan’s favorite Big Van Vader crushes Muta with a Power Bomb then a Vader Bomb for the cover. 4-4. Rey Mysterio Dazzles with hits on all the painted faces and a double 619 on the former Blade Runners, but he eventually gets folded in half by a Doomsday Device. Painted faces 4-3. Kane even ups the score by with a Tombstone to Animal onto a chair, brought into the ring by Mankind. As Hawk checks on him, Mankind slaps on the Mandible Claw to push the masks up 3-2. Vader comes in again like a bull, but can’t match strength with the warrior, and exhausting himself, he falls prey to a Stinger Splash. 2-2. Sting locks up Mankind in the Scorpion Deathlock but can’t bring him to tap. A hobbled Mankind can’t escape a gorilla press body slam from the warrior. 2-1 Painted Faces. Kane and Sting have a showdown we never got to see, and the earlier wear and tear by Mankind certainly shows as Kane makes short work of The Stinger. A big chokeslam brings it down to Kane Vs. Warrior. The two bounce between against the ropes and collide into each other, with no one capable of getting the upper hand. Eventually, after several kickouts and finishers, another gorilla press/splash combo seals it for the team with the painted faces.

Survivor: The Ultimate Warrior

The next match is one of my personal favorites, and embodies the spirit of this contest. This one is “Voodoo VS Karate.” The theme comes from one of my favorite Tom Waits Songs. And in it, the scariest characters from wrestling take on the real life badasses or martial arts themed characters.

Team Voodoo is headed up by Big Evil himself, THE UNDERTAKER. Backing him up are PAPA SHANGO, a character who honestly spooked me as a child (when he hexed Ultimate warrior in the mid 90’s it, coupled with my parents delving into Super Christianity at the time, really terrified me) and THE BOOGEYMAN,… Papa Shango light. Added the team are Indy and Mexican favorite VAMPIRO, who, though never huge in America, interested me a great deal. Rounding out the team is KAMALA. His witch doctor attire fits him into this group well.

Team Karate is headed by two real life fighters, BROCK LESNAR and KEN SHAMROCK. It’s true that Lesnar used little “martial arts” in his first run in the WWE, but his current gimmick does, and that’s the one I’m using. Shamrock did a beautiful job of blending the real world with the world of sports entertainment, and he’ll be doing it again in this match. Backing up the UFC vets is RICKY “THE DRAGON ” STEAMBOAT, who’s karate ended mostly with posing… awesome posing… and we’d get a lot of it. Similarly, ROB VAN DAM’s educated feet would land a bunch of blows on the dead men. The final addition is a favorite of mine, TAJIRI.

The Undertaker                     VS                Ken Shamrock
The Boogeyman                                        Brock Lesnar
Papa Shango                                            Ricky The Dragon Steamboat
Vampiro                                                   Tajiri
Kamala                                                    Rob Van Dam

Order of elimination: Things are crazy early as the match starts with a brutal all out brawl. The refs have yet to establish order when RVD frogsplashes Kamala through an announce table. He rolls him into the ring as the bell sounds, and the Ugandan Giant is covered for the pin. Karate 5-4. Vampiro enters and deals some serious damage to RVD, but he makes the tag to Tajiri who locks Vampiro in the Tarantula before tagging in Lesnar who and makes the evil man from south of the border tap. 5-3. Lesnar and Shamrock make quick work of the Boogeyman. 5-2 Papa Shango battles well against the two UFCers, Tajiri, and RVD, but can’t overcome the numbers. An F-5 into an Ankle Lock forces Papa Shango to submit, and it’s now 5-1. The real life tough guys crowd The Undertaker who calmly climbs into the ring. The huddled masses of evil congregate ringside as the lights flicker and give out. When the lights return the 4 fighters who have been in the ring convulse helplessly as purple goo spills from their brow. Tajiri’s pants catch fire, and Ken Shamrock vomits spiders. Ricky Steamboat, who hasn’t yet locked up with any of the evil watches nervously before realizing his task and leaping valiantly at The Undertaker. It’s brave, but not enough. Undertaker scoops him up and Tombstones him. The others are unable to continue, and Taker stands victorious.

Survivor: Undertaker

The opening bout of this card is a simple one. One of the first factions of the faction era The Nation of Domination, a black-militant themed stable, versus wrestlers I think look racist.


The Racists, BIG BOSSMAN is southern, and a cop, so he’s in. LUDVIG BORGA got elected into his country’s parliament on a pro racism ticket. TED DIBIASE is the Million Dollar man. I don’t think I need to explain much more on that one. TREVOR MURDOCH. I think everybody who has a Taz tattoo is a bigot. And finally. VINCE McMAHON.

Faarooq                 VS           The Big Bossman

Ahmed Johnson                     Ludvig Borga

D’Lo Brown                            Vince McMahon

Rocky Maivia                         Ted DiBiase

Mark Henry                            Trevor Murdoch

Order of Elimination: Faarooq and his crew tag in and out quickly to knock out Big Bossman, Borga, Murdoch out quickly… but the two millionaires sow some vicious discord among the Nation. A giant brawl ensues.

Survivor: No Contest… Racism is ugly.

So there’s my Dream PPV. I hope you’ll make your’s up too. I’ll read them, and tell you which ones are my favorites. I’d love to hear which of mine you dig as well. Play by the rules. Have fun.

  1. Eric says:

    Sting and Warrior were tag team partners before they both got their big breaks when they worked for Jerry Jarrett’s territory in Tennessee. Just a bit of useless information.

  2. Billy Justus says:

    Survivor Series Fantasy League: by Billy Justus

    first match always has to start strong so I’m leading with a classic Survivor Series Match…
    It’s Team Luchador Masks Vs. Masks

    Captain:Rey Mysterio vs Captain:Mankind
    La Parka Kane
    Sin Cara Vader
    EL Generico (reaching i know) The Patriot
    and Jueventud Guererro Mantaur

    this is ideal because the second squad of masked wrestlers are all slower and not technical but make the Luchador team look better.
    Winners: The brute Power of the second team wins. Patriot injured when Sin Cara botches….

    match #2
    Team Rhodes Vs team Hart Vs Dibiasse
    Captain:Dusty Rhodes Captain:Bret Hart Captain: Ted Dibiasse
    Goldust David Hart Smith Ted Dibiasse Jr
    Cody Rhodes Tyson Kidd Randy Orton

    in a last minute addition dibiasse announces he’s in the match, he only has one offspring but has procured another Second Generation talent for his team.

    Winners: The Last three Standing are Cody, Tyson And Ted Jr
    regrettably the Ted beats Tyson but then is finished by Cody. Team American Dream Wins.

    Match #3
    Celebrity Match
    We all know the WWE has a penchant for celebrities especially on larger scale shows…
    Dolph Lungren Vs Dolph Ziggler.
    Winner:Clearly celebrity wins every single time. an giggler would make it seem almost credible.

    Match #4.
    Over Achievers vs Over Rated

    Captain:Shawn Michaels Captain:Brock Lesner
    Cm Punk Alberto Del Rio
    Edge Kevin Nash
    Rick Rude Ultimate Warrior
    Chris Jericho Jeff Jarrett

    Clearly over Achievers win, they made there way to the tops because they’re the best despite not being the 300 lbs type. i actually like Nash but he’s not great. and double J is a poor rip off of nature boy rid flair.

    this is all i have right now….

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