The Double Deuce (it’s number 22 on a jersey)

Posted: February 18, 2011 in Comedy Journal

I just started playing UFC 2010. It’s good.

I like any game where you can create your own character. I always make the same guy: Patrick Swayze from “Road House.”

It’s really not even fair. It’s like a homemade cheat code.

Over the years I’ve had Dalton accomplish a lot. He’s won dozens of Super Bowls, and WWE titles. He’s captured NBA rings, MLB Pennants, and even a PGA Championship. He’s also taken over the NYC underground (with the help of Method Man and Redman) and ruled the town of Stillwater with an iron fist, the same fist he used to tear out that dude in denim’s throat with. But he’s not just some meathead, no, his band has played at Madison Square Garden (the blind kid behind the chicken wire was on keyboard) and he aptly served the good people of Tropico as President.

By this weekend I’m sure Patrick Swayze from “Road House” will also be the UFC Welterweight Champion, suck it GSP.

He’s a busy man, he has to be; the dude has like 40 assorted princesses and head cheerleaders to take care of at home.

Anyway, the video game’s fun, and the fighting part’s a blast, even if there are some flaws. The submissions are just glorified button mashing, and the game’s a little too knock out friendly. I’ve fought quite a bit now, and it’s never gone to a decision. Of course, that could just be a Swayze-related byproduct. This game suffers from the same thing the last one did, everything that’s not fighting sucks; the interviews, the training camps, the sparring: all awful. But that’s all secondary stuff.

As much fun as the game is, and as much as I love my Swayze Dynasties, I think the video game industry is really missing the boat here. Customization is wonderful, and they’ve  just scratched the surface. I think game designers should let people design their opponents. Sure, I love watching Patrick Swayze kick the shit out of Matt Hughes, but I’d much rather see Rampage Jackson slam my 7th grade Spanish Teacher’s head off of the cage for awhile… I hated Mrs. Gilbert.

Can you imagine how quickly kids all over America would snatch up the game that let them slam their step dad’s head in a car door?

I would have bought it. I’d buy it right now. There are few things I want to do more than face Bill O’Reilly inside of a Steel Cage. I’m probably never going to get that chance, but the good folks at Activision or THQ could help me out. I want to do that! I want to kick his ass in bonus levels, I want to type in the blood-code, smash his brains out.

You could make your own opponents, or share them, I can only imagine the delight on my friends’ faces when we meet up on-line and trudge through Nazi trenches for a chance to shoot Germans who look suspiciously like John Mayer and Kid Rock.

Anyway, the games good, and I love making my guys look awesome. After Swayze, I typically make a Zombie with a Mohawk and a guy that looks like me if I wasn’t 50 lbs overweight. That’ll just have to do, until the video-gamers tap into my idea, and I sit on the couch and yell, “They stole my idea, why didn’t I get any money?”

  1. ckmcomedy says:

    you really are a genius. i’d buy that and i don’t like video games, or buying things.

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