Love Potion No. NEIN

Posted: February 17, 2011 in Comedy Journal

I was at my sister’s house recently, and I saw that “People” magazine had named Sandra Bullock their “Woman of the Year.”

I disagree.

I’m pretty sure Sandra Bullock is a Nazi.

Hear me out.

Now, I’ve never been married. I don’t understand what it’s like to know someone as intimately or as intrinsically as I assume married people do.

That being said, I can state, with some certainty, that no woman I’ve slept with regularly is currently, or has been, sleeping with a Nazi.

You know how I know that?

Because those girls aren’t Nazis.

And the only people who fuck Nazis, are other Nazis.

Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband, Jesse James, was sleeping with a Nazi stripper, Bombshell McGee. That, by my reasoning, makes him a Nazi, or at least, okay with Nazis.

For the most part, people only fuck people they can stand. And it seems fascism isn’t a deal-breaker for this guy. He can get along and get it on with a Nazi.

She lived with the man, and apparently never deduced that he was so bigot friendly.

I’ve been told by many women that I’ve had relationships with that I’m horribly inattentive, and that’s probably true. I’m sure Ashley and Gretchen, and that other one had a point, but I will vouch for all of them: Not Nazis. I’d have noticed that.

I’ll even wager no chick I’ve hooked up with randomly or slept with on just one occasion is banging a Nazi, and I’ll be honest, some of those women clearly make terrible decisions.

But I’m still pretty confident: Not Nazis.

I’ve never directly addressed this concern with women, and maybe I should, especially if I’m going to be so cavalier about my “Not Boning Nazis” credentials.

If any exes or old flames are reading this and are in fact Nazis, please, let me know. I’ll quickly amend my statements, and detract my assertions. While I’m at it, maybe I should also screen for any affiliation with the Taliban, Khmer Rouge, or Cobra. I’d like to know my sexual exploits are Hate-Monger free, unless of course you count my short-lived tryst with a Tea Partier.

Please, don’t think this accusation stems from some deep seeded hatred of Sandra Bullock. It doesn’t. For the Record: She was great in “Demolition Man.” I just don’t like it that it’s been decided that she’s America’s Sweetheart. And even if she is, I don’t think that Makes her “Woman of the Year”… especially since she’s a Nazi.

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